Letters To Louis // l.t.

September 25th, 2010 - letter 31

Dear Louis,

I kind of hate that you have gotten better because now you are noticing the difference in me. Now you think that something is up and I don't want that. I don't want your help, I don't want your false hope or your fake words or your empty promises. I don't want any of them.

I don't want you to fix me because then that just sets me up to get broken again. I want to stay broken and hurting and I want to get skinny and beautiful because then I will finally be able to be your girlfriend. 

Also though I don't want your pity which I know that you will give to me if I tell you all my problems. I don't want nor do I like how once you open up to people they look at you as if you are a puppy who just got kicked. I hate it. I don't want pity from you and I don't want worried looks and I don't want you to think of me as some fragile doll who will break any minute; although I'm sure you already do.

We've been hanging out a lot lately which I suppose is good, well it is good, but I just wish that we could hang out without you noticing me. 

You're doing amazing in the X-Factor; always getting better, always impressing more, always moving up. It's wonderful, except for the fact that once you win I will be left all alone. 

I'm upset, but not that upset anymore. At least you won't notice the cuts forming by my mouth thanks to my purging. At least you won't notice how sensitive my skin has gotten due to my cutting. At least you won't notice how I cringe away whenever you try to touch me. At least you won't notice the lack of life in my eyes. At least you won't notice when I've slowly slipped away and off of this earth. At least you won't be that affected by my death from lack of eating. At least everything will be alright.

And yes by the way I do know what will happen to me if I keep my "habits" up. I do know that my excessive purging is causing my gag reflex to deteriorate which means that one day I could shove my fingers or toothbrush down too far and end up killing myself. I do know that one day I could break down so badly that I cut too deep and end up dying from lack of blood loss. I do know that I will eventually end up dying from lack of nutrients, but I don't care. It's worth it to become skinny and beautiful. 

I guess in the end I'm not as torn up about you leaving and forgetting me as I thought. I mean it's not like you love me or anything.

-A Pretty Numb Annabelle