Letters To Louis // l.t.

January 13th, 2011 - letter 53

Dear Louis,

January 13th. Lights. Screams. Flashes. Blurs. Blood. Heartbreak.

I always imagined dying and the impact it would have on others. I always imagined my dead, limp body laying on the ground with people gathered around it, trying to pointlessly save me. I always imagined people staring at me and my dead body, shaking their heads and saying how foolish I was. I never imagined seeing someone else's dead body laying on the floor, especially somebody that I loved.

I never really imagined how much it would hurt or how badly I would feel. I never knew how much liquid could fall from your eyes relentlessly.

It was so weird holding your body in my arms. I knew you were dead and that you weren't coming back, but I just.... I had this stupid little sliver of hope in me that maybe you we just sleeping. So as I held you in my arms with tears flowing down my face in an endless motion, I thought, I hoped, I prayed that your beautiful eyes that held the most enchanting pools of blue I've ever seen would just open up and then you'd do your sleepy little chuckle and cup my cheek and say "Oh, Belley, why so sad?" And then I'd laugh and hug you and smack you for playing such a curl joke on me.

But you didn't open up your eyes and I didn't laugh and I just sat there staring at you with tears falling down my face and a stupid, sad smile on my lips waiting for the joke to be over.

But it was never a joke so it never ended and I realized that when I opened up my letter book and saw your first note with endless, not-needing-to-be-said sorry's and then your second note. You're..... suicide note.

But you're not dead. You can't be dead, not after we proclaimed our love for each other, not after I got use to your kisses and hugs, not after I began to crave your kisses and hugs, not after I fell even more in love with you, not after I memorized every single feature you possess, not after I memorized you and everything you are, not after I realized I wanted to marry you and I'd marry you right here, right now if it'd bring you back.

But you can't be dead, you just can't be dead, because I finally let myself fully fall for you and I finally let myself become fully attached to you and I finally gave you all I am and I finally trusted you enough to always love me and be there for me, so you can't be dead, you just can't be.

But you are. You are dead, Louis, and you're not coming back and that tears me apart.

On January 12th, 2011 Louis Tomlinson died. On January 13th, 2011 I realized Louis Tomlinson wasn't coming back. On January 13th, 2011 I lost apart of myself that I will never get back. On January 13th, 2011 I lost the love of my life. On January 13th, 2011 I died inside and I don't know if I'll come back to life.

-Lou's Belle

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This was written on my phone so pardon me for any mistakes.

I'm crying. this is sad. why did I do this. I don't even know. LOUIS COME BACK. -A x