Letters To Louis // l.t.

October 2nd, 2010 - letter 32

Dear Louis,

It's been exactly one week since my last letter and just as I had predicted you, sadly, noticed a difference. You say I've become too skinny too fast, you say I'm acting overly happy, you say I'm protecting myself too much, you say you feel like an idiot for making me build my walls up again. 

But please, Louis, don't feel like an idiot. You did nothing wrong, you just simply brought the truth to be seen. All you did was help me protect myself. Simple. If anything you're a genius. 

I find it so funny how since this is a letter you cannot hear or see how weak and hallow I feel. You cannot see how starved I am. You cannot see that I cannot stop crying as I write this letter. You cannot see how close I am to passing out. I mean I have gone a week without eating as I fairly often purge. I do not purge everyday, but I do at least three times a week. 

I am very weak. I just feel like giving up. 

I feel as if I am so close to just slipping away and for some reason that excites me.

No more having to deal with bullies, words, pain, nothing. Just.... quietness. Just simplicity. Just perfectness. Just my paradise. 

Suddenly I feel very excited to slip away and I hope it comes soon.

You know, I think it's a lot closer then I think.

I love you, Lo