Letters To Louis // l.t.

October 20th, 2010 - letter 35

Dear Louis,

I've been looking into Manchester University and I'm getting really excited! It was my dream college since the beginning, but I never even had the guts in the first place to look at the website; now I do thanks to you. I don't know if I'm going to apply though. You want me to and are encouraging me to, but what if I fail? What if I don't get accepted? What if I'm not smart enough? What if I'm really a failure? 

I've been having the urge to cut a lot lately. It's been so bad that it's driving me crazy and you've been too busy with practice to be any help to me. You even lock all the pointy and sharp objects away so I have no access to them. In fact the only time I'm allowed to use a razor is when I shower and then after the shower you check my stomach, wrists and thighs for cuts. It's awful, Lou, it really is. I just want to cut and scratch and bleed and make this nagging voice in the back of my mind shut up! It's like an itch that I cannot scratch. 

And eating is even worse if possible. It's hard enough to even swallow the food let alone keep it down. It isn't just me wanting to throw up either, my stomach hasn't had food for so long that it's starting to reject it like the food is a foreign object; which in a way I guess it is. Plus add on the fact that the same nagging voice won't shut up about me getting fatter. It sucks, I can't even look in the mirror anymore unless I have to and even then I barely can do it. The urge to cut and throw up becomes unbearable then! 

I just want to throw up and cut and stop eating and I just want it all to stop. But I want to live. I hate myself for getting into such a mess. I really screwed myself over, now didn't I?

You want me to go and mingle and get to know people, but I'm not ready for that. I'm nowhere near ready for that. It's too much for me to handle with theses voice inside my head. 

I really need help, Lou, and I really need you. 

This all sucks so badly. 

I hate myself for getting into this mess.

I really do hope I end up getting enough courage to apply to Manchester though. I really want to go.

Fingers crossed it all gets better soon?

-Belle

{yeah buddy yeah buddy. comment and vote mah homies. -A x}