Letters To Louis // l.t.

May 12th 2013 - letter 56

Dear Louis,

"Night falls fast. Today is in the past."

That quote symbolizes depression which is something I have seemingly never escaped my whole life. I think it sums up this letter book perfectly.

My whole life I worried about fitting in, I worried about being loved, I worried about everyone's opinions of me, I worried about who they wanted me to be, I worried about my weight, I worried about my looks, I worried about my existence and if I was truly worth the oxygen that I used.

My whole life was lived in a constant state of fear, depression and anxiety. I never truly lived; that is until I met you. You saved me from death countless times, you made me feel beautiful and skinny and full of worth. You made me feel like I wasn't a wasted life. You made me feel something other then depression and fear and anxiety.

You made me feel alive.

I can never repay you, partly because you're dead and partly because that is a debt too big. I always thought I never deserved you, I always had the razor taunting me, I always believed I was worthless, I was always wrapped up in myself which turned into a deadly addiction that you saved me from.

After you died I was a mess. I cried for about two months straight, I pushed everyone away, I gave up, I threw away everything that you gave me, everything that you helped me earn. I had discovered that you had a letter book of your own and after reading it.....while it drove me to suicide again.

I was ready to end my life, but as I stared at those little blue pills I thought of your words again and why you killed yourself and I realized that you wanted to help me so much and fix me so badly that you put pressure on yourself that no human being can handle without going mad. You drove yourself to the point of no return just to fix me so why would I kill the thing you died for? Wouldn't that just be a waste of your death?

So I flushed the pills, wiped my eyes and went back to bed and I realized that you saved me. Again.

You continue to save me and wow, I love you. And wow, you love me. And wow, we really love each other.

We were meant to be together, we were meant to meet and do this whole mess to each and we were meant to love each other so much that it drove us insane.

I was meant for you and you were meant for me and nothing will ever change that.

But I've moved on. I haven't gotten over you and truth be told I never will "get over" you, but I've moved on and I can breath again.

I got into Manchester and I'm studying psychology to help people like you and me. I'm dating Noah again. He makes me so happy, although he will never ever replace you. I've gotten and am still getting help. I've gotten better and it's all because of you, Louis Tomlinson.

There is so much I can say, but I won't.

I love you so much. Thank you so much for saving my life countless times and seeing my worth and loving me. Thank you so much.

So I'm going to close this book now and let you go with the memory of our love for each other in my mind, because, man, Louis Tomlinson, do I love you.

-Your Ever Grateful and Loving Belle

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this book is officially over and i'm crying but this ending is exactly what i wanted. thank you all. a thank you note and details of the sequal will be out tomorrow or on sunday. i love you all. thank you so much. this is so sad.

the end.
-A x

P.s. the official song for this book is All I Want by: Kodaline. Thank you, cheriharry for showing it to me <3