Letters To Louis // l.t.

November 13th, 2010 - letter 38

Dear Louis,

Finley and I have grown quite close; so close in fact that I have, unwillingly, opened up to her and told her everything. And I mean everything. She said she doesn't like to mess around and have a barrier of secrets that separates us so let's just get all that stuff out of the way and be besties! I didn't exactly have a valid reason as to why I should not not spill my whole life story so I did.

I guess that chance paid off because she didn't judge me and now I have a new best friend! Yay! She's weird, but I love that about her. She also adores honesty and isn't afraid to speak her mind which means that she wasn't afraid to tell me that I need to start my life now and stop depending on you so much. Of course she didn't say it so bluntly, but that was what she said. 

Honestly though I do see her point. I do need to start living my life and I suppose I am a bit too dependent on you, Louis. You're just the only person I could be dependent on. Although Finley did make a good point, if you wins, and you most likely will win, you will become too busy for me. You will have to live the life of a pop star. You will have to travel the world and preform on tours that I can't come along for and... you will forget about me.

Finley didn't say you will forget about me, although I'm sure she thought it, but she did say the other stuff.

I'm scared to be on my own. I'm scared that one night I will break down again and I will do something I regret whether that is throwing up or cutting or... dying. It's still a battle to not purge and to not cut somehow, but it's getting easier; better. I'm scared and I just want to depend on you, but I can't anymore. You gotta go live your own life as well. 

So I talked it over with Fin and I decided that I would really consider going to Manchester Uni. I even decided that I would go look around the campus tomorrow. 

I'm scared and nervous and I don't want to start my own life, because I know that once I do then it will be time for you to finally fully go after your dream which means that we won't be as close which means that I won't see you as much which means you will eventually end up forgetting me which means I'm going to be all alone again which means I might end up doing something I will regret. 

I'm scared, Lou, but y'know what they say: the scarier the risk, the bigger the prize.

I suppose it's finally time to push myself and become something that I will be proud of. 

-Belle

p.s. if you ever read my book again I will legit cut you and give you serious injuries. This book is none of your concern and I will not answer any of your stupid questions so don't go snooping around in here!

ugh. 

you're lucky that I didn't have the guts to hurt you or stay angry with you. You can thank your cuteness for that, Lou-Boo.

{the next chappy is gonna be AMAZAYN. *cough* a new character might be in the next chapter *cough*. Finley is played by Chloe Mortez btw. -A x}