Letters To Louis // l.t.

January 3rd, 2011 - letter 48

Dear Louis,

A year ago today I started writing theses letters with no hope in my heart, with plans of suicide in my head and with fresh cuts on my wrists. I couldn't even imagine us being together in reality, I didn't even see myself living past January 20th, but look at that: I'm alive and dating you.

I didn't see myself eating and keeping food down, I didn't see myself shedding off the layers of bracelets instead of shedding blood from my wrists, I didn't see myself looking forward to tomorrow and being excited to wake up and I surely didn't see myself worry about you.

As much as a wonderful year this has been (although this book probably doesn't show it (Happy New Year by the way!)) it has also been a horrible year. Yes I got better, yes I kicked old habits, yes I'm dating you, but you're broken. You're depressed, you've given up, but you're acting as if you're okay.

We hired a therapist for you, you're on medication, you.... aren't getting better. We've, I've, tried everything I can, but nothing's working. You're still putting up that happy front; the unbreakable boy.

The boys still hate me. They are still pissed off at me since you aren't getting better. They still blame me.

I blame me.

None of this would be happening if I would've just stuck by your side like a little lost puppy with no life. I'm sorry, Lou, I'm sorry.

You're just not getting better and it's breaking my heart.

You're my boyfriend, the boy I love, the boy I would give anything for, the boy I.... the boy I would die for. The boy I would give up my life for. The boy I adore. The boy I would die without.

The boy I would die without.

The boy I will die without.

I can't live without you, Louis, so please, I'm begging you, please don't give up because if you did I would be broken beyond repair and I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I might even end it also so please, please, please just don't give up. Please just don't kill yourself because I know those thoughts are running through your mind, but please don't listen. Please. Because as scary as it is I can't live with you.

Please don't give up.

-Your Belle

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dude, i'm so sad. like there is legit 3 or so more filler chapters until the BAM and then the final chapter plus epilouge. i'm so sad.

any guesses on what the BAM is? if you are correct you'll get the BAM chapter dedicated to you! -A x