Letters To Louis // l.t.

October 15th, 2010 - letter 34

Dear Louis,

All you want me to do is eat and eat and eat and all I've been doing is eating and eating and eating. At least that's what it feels like. It's so hard to keep the food in my stomach. It's so hard to pick up the tiniest piece of food and swallow it knowing that I cannot throw it up later. I hate it. 

But good lord does the food taste amazing. I've missed food and the feeling of being and staying full. 

You also make me wear short sleeves everyday and if I cannot or if I talk you out of it then you continuously check my wrists which oddly makes me feel safe and loved. You've even kissed my wrists a couple times, especially the times I've said I had to cut, that I needed to and I started clawing at myself. At those times you started to cry and you held me and my wrists and calmed me down. Then you kissed my wrists.

I know that I could cut on my thighs and stomach, but I don't really want to. From you act over everything and my cutting.... I don't know it just makes me not want to cut anymore. It feels as if I'd be hurting you and letting you down. Plus whenever I do want to cut or the voices get to loud at night I just go sneak into your bed and cuddle up with you which I along with yourself enjoy very much. You've even said so.

I don't know though, this is just all so weird. You want me to do all this stuff like transfer colleges and report the students who bully me to my headmaster. You want me to write songs for you. You want me to go mingle with your competitors. You want me to do all of this stuff. You want me to be me; at least that's what you said, and for some bizarre reason I'm excited. I'm excited to mingle, I'm excited to check out a new college, I'm excited to write songs and be myself! I'm excited! And it feels freeing.

I'm excited, Lou, and I'm excited to do it with you.

I hope it doesn't all go down hill. 

-Annabelle

{i'm so excited omg my plans for what i have for this story. thank you all. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
-A x}