Shelter

Chapter 29

~ Warning: emotional chapter ~

2 days later...

*Nicolas*

"You know" I looked at Emily with tears that were forced to remain hidden. "I may have no experience in love...but if it's not with you. I don't want to know what it feels like"

Emily had a smile appear across her face, though I wasn't done.

"You've seen the scars on my body and you know I got many. But the worst scars I have and ever got are inside of my heart" I gulped. "You know what you meant to me, so why would you let somebody else have you?"

"I..." Emily sighed "Nicolas"

"As much as I love you, as much as I hate what has come through...nothing changes the fact that you broke the rules, Em"

I watched as a tear dropped from her eyes. I knew me, calling her 'Em', would have a different touch on her. My affectionate, touch.

"It just frustrates me, thinking you were different. I mean you are...but when it came to loyalty and love, you were like everybody else"

She took a deep breath and held it in for a few seconds before releasing it out loud.

"You were everything I ever wanted, everything I ever needed. It's hard to see somebody you love, fall for somebody else. If only you knew...I did everything I could to save what I had there, I really did, and that's what's eating me alive"

"Nicolas"

"You want to know how I got so fucked up? Why I'm coming home when the sun is rising rather then setting? Why I'm drinking every second of the day? Why I'm avoiding everyone here? Why I'm being all ghost around here?"

"How" she said, knowing the answer, deep down.

"I fell in love" I laughed in pain "And love, well love makes some people grow and happy. But not me, love made me unhappy, mad and made me feel stupid"

"Don't say that"

"I thought I was capable" I sighed "This life, the man I am. It's stupid of me to think I was capable of love"

"Nicolas, I'm sorry" she began to cry.

"For the first time, I actually allow myself to feel something for someone. And this shit happens..." I laugh again "Bullshit man"

"Nicolas"

I shook my head and turned away. I said what I had to say.

Unless your bones are screaming because of the pain inside of yourself and unless every vein in your heart is not shattered...then you haven't loved my friends. And if you hurt yourself a thousand times and feel no pain, it's because you're concerned more of the pain inside of you.

She hurt me, I walked away.

She stopped saying goodnight, I stopped sleeping.

Healing? No. I don't want to heal. I just want my heart to keep beating. They say broken people are dangerous, because they know how to survive.
She was my weakness, now I have no weakness. I can fear nothing, do everything with nothing as my priority.

I'm now a scar, pain, walking the streets, running away from the memories. I reached a point where I'm beginning to talk to myself. Have I lost my mind? No. I've lost myself. She was the one asking me 'how are you?' Don't ask me that when deep down, you know you killed every cell inside of me to the point they're only connecting and working because, and for you.
You've got a point oh heart, my own heart. I feel embarrassed, letting you trust me. I gave her to you because I loved her. She stopped me from coming back to you and apologising because I kept thinking she was different.

I'm sorry.

I really and truly am sorry.

So mend. Repair. Stick together.

Anything.

I'm not telling you to beat a bright red anymore. Beat a black, just like my lost soul. Though just beat. Beat. I don't want to lose myself, I don't. I have other things to live for.
I'm sorry. I promise I won't let you put your trust in me again, I promise I won't hand you someone to love while you deny it. I promise.

Just beat. Mend and beat.

So tell me, is it okay to cry when your dying inside?

I stood in front of my mirror, in the middle of my bathroom. I covered my mouth with the palm of my hand and cried aloud within it. My eyes were quick to rain tears and my throat was quick to lump.

You don't know pain until you're standing in front of the mirror, with tears coming down your face and your begging yourself to hold on and be strong for a little longer.

I groaned, leaned back and released it all on the mirror ahead of me. Shattering the glass around me.
I found myself kneeling down, picking up the glass.

"You remind me of my heart" I said to a soulless, shattered mirror. "Shattered. I can try to fix you, but you'll need time. To fix the puzzle...fit the pieces right...I can fix you...I can. Because only the person who shattered you, knows how to fix you"

But she isn't here.

So who will fix me?

It was the type of pain that was unbearable, the type that makes you gasp for air. The type that questions why you're still alive.

I never knew I loved her that much, that she became the air I breathe.

So does losing her mean I can no longer live?

Because it hurts and nothing ever hurt me.

So let this be my final breath.

_____________

In all honesty, readers...a writer sometimes writes what they feel in reality, currently. If you read my notice board in my profile! You'd know I had a personal issue, that had me really down for a while which is why I didn't update recently.

I just lost someone I held dear, if you've seen the news in Australia.
A recent motorcycle accident.

R.I.P
❤F.KH 1993-2017❤

I love you all, I hope you can relate to Nicolas in some type of way.

I'm sorry for the late update but I hope you can understand. Thankyu for all the support xx
Much love.

Mia x