Dear Dan,
A friend of mine told me writing these would be a good thing to do. I can't remember who. A lot of things tend to blur together these days. I don't know. My therapist says its a coping mechanism. But it's coping in the bad way. She says that when I get new information, I don't process it. It just kind of sits there. A side effect of what I went through.
I think that's her way of saying that I'm damaged. I think I am too.
I don't know.
There's a lot of things I don't know anymore.
-Phil
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Dear Dan,
Sorry if my writing is sloppy. I can't see the paper that well, considering tears are lining the paper and I'm already out of my mind. Fuzzy.
Unhealthy coping at it's finest, am I right?
I promise I didn't mean to get this drunk. I was just trying to forget. Everything's just a little too heavy right now. It's like an elephant is on my back, and I'm forced to endure the weight and climb up a hill that I'll never get to the top of.
I'm just tired of remembering, you know? Well, I guess you don't. This doesn't effect you like it effects me.
Now I ponder what healthy coping is like.
It's obviously not drinking your sorrows away. But hey, as long as I'm self-aware...
I miss you.
-Phil
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Dear Dan,
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss us.
But it's okay. I'm okay.
But you're not. No, you're not okay. And that's what's tragic. You deserve to be okay, but you're not.
You were gone too soon, and I was left to mourn too early.
-Phil
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Dear Dan,
Y'know, I used to say that I wanted to forget. But now, now that I truly am forgetting the things I loved most about you, I take it back.
Your bedsheets don't even smell like you anymore. It's like the world is collectively trying to forget about you.
But I don't ever want to go a day without knowing how important the name Dan Howell is to me. Or how important your smile is. God, I just don't want to forget these things.
But it's so bittersweet, because I know one day my memory will go hazy and I won't remember these things. I won't remember your bed hair, your laugh, your dimples, or anything.
So now, I'm going to get a notebook. And in that notebook, I will write all about you, so when I start to forget, I can read it and remember.
-Phil
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Dear Dan,
It's days like these, when my sorrow reaches the top of the scale, that I wish I could go through with other options.
You wouldn't want that though. You don't want me to die before I'm destined to, and you definitely don't want me to go out by my own hand.
You don't want me to do what you did.
For you, I won't do it. I've been trying to pick my life up just for you. It's what you would want.
I remember I used to tell you to stay alive for me. Back when I had my naïve way of understanding how you were. I thought that could help, but what I learned is that you have to learn to live for yourself.
The words feel dull and are no consolation to me now, when I ponder of the other options. I never learned to stay alive for myself. You didn't either.
See, if you stay alive for someone else, and they just disappear or vanish or something, what will you have left? Nothing. You won't have your will to live anymore, and you'll pretty much just drop dead.
And we used to think I was the innocent one, the one that would never think things like this. Well, you messed me up, huh?
-Phil
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Dear Dan,
I re-read your note so much, it's almost unbelievable. It's like I can't accept this. I don't want to.
-Phil
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Dear Dan,
My words are never enough. I can't put the pen to paper and just have the words pour out of me. Imagine all of my words are more powerful then they appear. They have more meaning than you will ever know.
-Phil
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Dear Dan,
Why am I even writing these? I keep pretending that I am talking to you. That's not healthy, and it's driving me insane.
Whichever friend it was that reccommended this to me obviously wants me dead.
Bye.
-Phil
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Dear Dan,
This is my last un-sent letter to you. I plan to stay alive and live my life as long as I can. I don't think I'll move on anytime soon.
Goodbye.
-Phil
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A/N: this was in the drafts for a while so I quickly finished it up.
have a good day ^_^
~Ashley
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