Phil's not sure how to feel anymore. He feels, obviously. But the problem is that he feels too much, and sometimes it just makes him stop for a moment. More like a lot of moments.
He doesn't have to feel this way. He doesn't have to care about what someone else thinks. He doesn't have to share so much, for an amount that will never be enough in return. But he does, and he aches.
And maybe it is just a hopeless fantasy to get more, to know more, to feel more. Maybe it's just a hopeless fantasy that he can't block out.
Still, it doesn't change anything. He still has that crush on his friend, Dan. The crush that he thought would go away with time. And distractions. Some people can distract his brain from thinking about Dan every second of every day, but they never stay. The thoughts always come back to him, anyways.
But it's not something that Dan returns. Phil knows it's not. It wouldn't be something Dan would hide either. Dan's too straightforward about the way he feels. Besides, Dan has a girlfriend, and he's happy.
At any rate, the words that have been carved into his brain and heart, taunt him everyday. Just friends.
It's the words that always come back, telling him that Dan is just that. A friend. Suprisingly, it doesn't help him to stop.
Still, he admires.
Still, he yearns.
Still, his heart beats.
Still, he smiles.
Though he doesn't want any of that. He hates it, almost hates himself for it.
So, he dates. He dates pretty much any person who's willing too, which is a good amount. They all blur together, and the relationships never last long. Just long enough for the other person to realize that Phil doesn't care.
Dan's one of the only constants in his life. He's there, supporting him along the way. But he also isn't there.
Not in the way Phil wants, and that just gets him every time.
Just friends.
