Dan's smile dropped as the girl leaned into him, looking back at him to see if it was okay.
It should be, but it wasn't. Not to Dan.
"Are you okay?" she asked worriedly, grabbing his arm slightly. Her face scrunched up as she squinted at him.
"Yeah," he cleared his throat. "Don't worry. Um, let's just keep watching the movie."
She smiled at him, warm and gentle, before turning back to the movie. Dan munches on the heavily salted popcorn for the rest of the time they're in the theater, avoiding communication.
The night ends as he had thought it would. After the movie, he walked her home, and she had wanted a kiss goodnight.
He gave her a kiss on the cheek, and bolted away from the scene.
He didn't ask her out for another date. So much for being normal.
---
Dan is aromantic. Or at least, that's what he thinks it is, but he has no idea. It feels like nobody feels the way he does, and he's not sure if he really doesn't feel romantic love or if he's just too insecure to feel it.
How can you love someone else when you don't love yourself? How can you love someone else and want to be with them when you believe you don't deserve them? Dan's not sure if he's never found love or if it's just due to the manifestation of his insecurities taking control.
Either way, he doesn't feel normal and he fucking hates it.
Dan Howell is fifteen years old and has never had a crush. All he remembers from his childhood is looking at classmates and thinking they're cute, but never wanting to do anything. He never wanted to tell them, and he most certainly didn't want to kiss them or anything like that.
He liked people, just not like that.
There's something wrong, he's sure of it.
---
Dan is eighteen when he meets Phil Lester for the first time. Phil's this cool youtuber guy he had somehow managed to befriend, and if he were to ever have a crush on someone, it would've been him.
But he doesn't. He loves him like a best friend, maybe even a brother. This man has the ability to make him feel normal. He feels accepted around him, even if Phil doesn't know.
Phil loves all things that are weird, so by extension, it's only right that he loves Dan. He loves him, truthfully and honestly.
With that kind of love, there is nothing dangerous. It is about wanting the best for them, even if you can't provide that to them. You don't beat yourself up over it or despise them for it.
Dan is twenty when he finally tells Phil, crying into his shoulder. How he feels like a freak and that something is wrong with him because he doesn't feel the way everyone else does.
Phil only smiles. "You're not a freak," he tells him. "Just different, and there's nothing wrong with being different."
"But I'm not normal," Dan emphasized, sniffling. It was tearing him up inside.
"Nobody's normal," Phil replied, as if it was obvious. "There's something weird about everyone. For example, I like ketchup but I don't like tomatoes."
It's so Phil that Dan laughs, even though it hurts. He laughs hard, and Phil starts laughing with him too. Everything is okay if he is different.
Everything is okay as long as Phil is with him. Phil makes him feel like a star that will never stop shining.
---
Dan is twenty six, living a life he couldn't even dream of alongside his best friend.
He is twenty six and happy. He is proud of who he is, and no longer feels ashamed for never getting those butterflies.
He is different, and that's okay.
