Never Forever

Paper Hearts

I don't know how to express my feelings. How I feel, to him. I just don't want everything to blow up in my face..

He constantly says he wants to marry me and I don't know how to express any of it. I just don't feel like I'm meant for him. I don't think I treat him right. He should just move on..

~

And that still happens today..

~

I had always, until this point, wanted to have someone just like him. But over the years, the fights only increase and my opinions to him just don't seem to matter anymore..

At least.. that's how I feel..

I've tried to explain my feelings in the past to him, but they've only backfired onto me.. And so, I think I have made my decision.. On this day.. His graduation day, I shall break it off..

~

He sat there looking so happy. Unbothered by the fact that this was the official introduction that he would get into becoming an adult in the workforce. These moments always scared me.. That is why I must choose to do this..

When he arose to retrieve his diploma from the professor, he went down the line shaking hands with everyone and then paused.

My heart froze.

His eyes were scanning the crowd with a blank expression.

I knew he was seaching..

When his eyes met mine, his smile became the brightest light in the room as he blew me a kiss. I touched my heart in pain, which lead others to believe that I was keeping the kiss of love in my heart when I was really being stabbed with every ounce and gram of sweat that left my body.

Slowly, my body was unraveling into a hot mess as I found myself having to leave once I could no longer breathe. I knew I had to go.

I had to leave before it was too late and the drums began to set fire in my head or the steam to run dry on my face in the face of the public eye.

But how?

How could I possibly get out of the middle row without seeming like something was wrong?

I looked around and found an out.
With a small voice, I constantly apologized for blocking the view of those whose knees were bending to the side in order to make way for my pathetic frame.

I tried to escape inconspicuously without making it known of the presence of my tears but the man at the door had to make a scene.

"Miss. I'm afraid that I can't let you leave."
"Why not?"
"Because that would disrupt the ceremony."
"Sir. This conversation in itself is disturbing the ceremony and my wellbeing. So if you could just direct me to another exit or-."
"Ma'am, I'm sorry but I cannot do so."
As scary as it would seem, I looked up at him and let him observe my face. "So you are just going to let me be like this until the end of the ceremony? How cruel of you."
"Miss, I-."
"Do you even have a handkerchief that I could use to help clean this up while I wait? Or do you have a sound proof room that I could allow my emotions to flood?"
He paused and looked around before sighing. "Right this way, please."
"Thank you." I said before proceeding to follow him.

He handed me a few napkins before ushering me to a small area where I could handle myself quickly and quietly.

I didn't cry.. I told myself quietly. I just.. had a bad reaction to someone's perfume.

Would he buy it?

Well, I do have seasonal allergies and that woman's perfume was pretty strong.. So, maybe this is working to my benefit..

I nodded to myself in reassurance that this would be the answer that he would buy and that I shouldn't worry about how this turns out.

~

I had decided, at some point, that I would slip out and just never speak to him again.. But how foolish could one be?

You can't resist him. You need him.

These are the games that my mind foolishly plays. So, I would tell him to his face at the end of the night.

~

"Baby! There you are!" He beamed as he reached his arms out to me, kissing my cheek. I didn't have the words to tell him to stop. But I didn't need to..

"Baby, what's wrong? You're stiff as a rag doll." He turned me towards him and I found myself gazing at the floor. His hand went to reach my chin and I automatically said, "Stop." as my hand pulled down his. "What's wrong?"

"You've had a good day. Don't let me drag you behind forever."
"You're not dragging me behind, baby. What-?"
"We can't be together anymore."
"Yes we can."
"No. I.. You already know why.."
"You're perfect for me. Don't even try to throw away all our promises to love each other forever."
"Ho-seok. Stop." I looked up at him. "We're through."

~

But not anymore..