Never Forever

Letting Go

The waves of thunder crashing in my throat as I let out a scream. The pain I was feeling was just too much. The thought of having thing was something I felt I needed..

But I know that I don't need him now..

I just want him..

My tears telling me how I felt I didn't know how to feel. My chest feeling like it was cracking open. Ready to burst and let my heart fall out.

I almost wanted to see that..
My heart fall out..
So that I may become heartless..

So that I might die..

Maybe then, I might feel peace..

No. Don't think that way..

But the works would be better off without you..

Stop it..

And even Hoseok has gotten over you..

Stop It..

And now look at ..

Stop,
Stop,

PATHETIC!

"STOP!" I screamed in misery. Even after all this time, I still have those thoughts in my head.. I thought I had control over this..

We'll never disappear unless you stop being so worthless..

The tears wouldn't stop. I could feel the world collapsing and breaking over top of my head. My skull feeling as if someone had dug their nails deep into the middle and were ripping each part away from each other.

That was pain.

The world became very blurry. Clutching my stomach, I rolled onto the floor. Begging and pleading for mercy from God to stop the pain I was feeling. It felt as if I were being torn apart from the inside before throwing it all up.

I began to imagine myself throwing up my intestines and pieces of my heart as I watched the blood start spilling out. I was suffocating, but no one came to my rescue.

This only made it harder to breathe..

My fists pounding on the wooden floor, asking for more pain in the form of physical harm.. Asking for blisters instead of the rape of my heart. It was a heart attack I didn't ask for..

Rather..

Given to me..

With a final scream, I heard the doorknob began to be fiddled with. I was terrified.. I didn't want him to see. I couldn't respond. So I just laid there, contemplating on what to do.

I knew I couldn't hide myself because I was too weak.

I couldn't lie about screaming because he had already heard me. I just need something.. Maybe a little more time..

But I couldn't have that now..

It was too late..

"Leona? Leona!" He rushed over to me, quickly pulling my body up onto him. Me being too limp to pretest, I let him examine my face; wiping my tears in the process. His hands lovingly moving about my face, I opened my eyes to look at him.

Time stood still.

His face was so blurry, yet I could see him so clear..

What was he thinking?

He held me like this for a long time until finally..

"Why did you come back?" His fingers traced my cheekbones, lightly grazing my face. He lightly chuckled a smile.
"I forgot my toothbrush." I nodded, casting my eyes downward. Taking his fingers underneath my chin, he lifted my face upwards. "Please, tell me what's wrong and don't push me away again." I shook my head no. I re at did not want to talk about it.
"Please.. Just.. Hold me.." And he did as I began to remember all the things he had done.

I didn't want to tell Mira..

I don't want to discourage her..

Taking hold of one of my hands, he examined the red marks that had taken place. "Why did you hurt yourself?"
"Jun, please.."
"You have to tell me what's wrong. And you can't lie to me." He said, giving me a hard stare. I knew he wasn't about to let this one slide, but the pain just kept on welling up. My face becoming so red, that I started crying again. Barely able to breathe, I started, "H-Hoseok.. Mira.." Jun immediately pulled me into his arms, not wanting to watch me cry anymore. "I can't take it anymore."

Rubbing my back, he allowed me to cry until I relaxed into a slumber. The beat of his heart lulled me to sleep and the feeling of his arms around me kept me safe.