Our Little Secret

Chapter 68

Jack
I sit by the couch, fully dressed once again. Sarah sits next to me, leaning against my shoulder. Our hands are intertwined and she is trailing her nails up and down my left arm, making me shiver in pleasure. Sarah laughs out loud at something on the TV, but I am unable to fully concentrate. I am to fed up in my own mind.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Absolutely fucking shit.

I am in so deep shit. How the fuck am I getting out of this? And how the hell did it all get so complicated? How the fuck am I suppose to pull all of this shit off? I can't display a friendship with Sarah in school when I have Daniel dragging behind my ass. I promised him to stay away from Sarah, and now I have promised her that we will be more open about our friendship.

The main reason I agreed on that is to keep other guys off her. They need to know their fucking place, just like that idiot Charlie. I don't know how I will pull this off though. I cannot both keep my promise to Sarah and act as if though nothing is going on between us.

Fuck me.

Sarah's laughter rings through my ears yet again, snapping me out of my trouble mind. Her thumb is slowly moving itself over the back of my hand. It is a simple gesture, but it makes me feel a bit more relaxed.

All of Sarah is the best way for me to keep calm. I don't know why, but she can soothe me in a way no one else can. I am starting to grow very fond of Sarah and letting go of her is not an option anymore.

That is why Daniel makes me so pissed with his bullshit about me not even talking to Sarah. He wants me to treat her as dust, something that would not have been a problem if it were to be any other girl. However it is not, Sarah is the girl and she intrigues me in a way that no other girl ever has. Still, I am not ready to give up my reputation for just one girl. Hence, I have no idea to get out of this shit.

I guess I will just have to act like I have up until now, and see how that goes.

~

Sarah
What did I do wrong?

I don't understand it at all, I thought Jack and I were getting on better terms after our conversation, where I told him how I felt, a few weeks back. Since then, everything has just gotten weird.

Jack himself agreed to a more open and official friendship in school, yet that has barely happened. Sure, the first week or so he held his promise and actually shocked a few people, quite the lot, with his behavior towards me.

I genuinely thought that things were beginning to shape up differently. To say that I was completely wrong would be an understatement.

Ever since our talk I have started to feel more insecure about our relationship, not to mention more insecure about myself.

Jack is actually really sweet towards me at home, he acts in ways I thought was impossible for that man. It is small, but adorable gestures that just makes my heart melt.

He will stroke my hair and place feather light kisses whenever we are cuddled up together, or he will take my hand on random occasions and give me a heart melting smile. The best is when he comes up from behind me and sneaks his arms around my waist, pulling me close to him, and kisses me softly below my ear. However that is at home.

In school he barely even acknowledges me. I barely even see him nowadays and that is weird, considering we share a class. Which he has started to disappear from more often.

Maybe this is just my paranoia speaking, but it feels as if though Jack is avoiding me during school time. As long as he is near his friends, I get treated as air. When I ask him about it, he acts as if though nothing is going on. Now I have been quite clingy and demanding on Jack these last couple of weeks, and even I am starting to get annoyed with myself.

Therefore I have stopped with all the questions and try mostly to just go with the flow. I am not very good at it though and takes most of it personal. It is not a great feeling to have sex with a guy and then be ignored by him the day after. I totally understand those girls who claim to have been used by Jack.

Still, I cannot stay away from him. I have dug myself a hole that is too deep and cannot get out of it now. I crave his attention and cherish the moments we have together. It might sound lame, but my feelings are basically too strong. I do think that he enjoys our moments as well.

Sometimes he seem to dread meeting up with his friends and lingers with me, but I don't know how to cope with his behavior. I am trying to ignore my subconscious and tell myself that everything is normal. But it is getting harder with each day and with the season turning closer to winter, it is getting darker outside which definitely doesn't help my mood.

With the months getting closer to December, we will soon be on winter break and I hope that things will turn out better between the two of us.

A more positive thing that has happened during these last weeks is that I have gotten much closer to Cameron.

It all began when she started to talk to me during art class, after that we kept talking and have hung out quite the lot. Cameron is not at all as I pictured her, rude and somewhat a bitch. She is nice and genuinely cares about her friends. She seems to sleep around quite often, but I don't care - it is her choice.

Cameron has a lot of guy friends. Now when I say a lot, I mean a lot, a lot. I think that is why so many girls at school dislike her, girls like Keira.

Things have started to turn out pretty ugly between Keira and I, she is just too judgemental about both Jack and Cameron, which really pisses me off. So things aren't going great between us either.

I am quite emotional at the moment, so much is different in my life and I am not exactly coping with all the changes. I do try as hard as I can, still I feel extremely lonely at times.

Cameron eases the loneliness at times though, and so does Jack - but he doesn't really help. Of course I have Sam as well, who I always can rely on. Nevertheless, when those lonely moments hit, they hit hard.