Our Little Secret

Chapter 78

Sarah

I have stayed at Sam's for five whole days now and tomorrow's Christmas Eve. Which means I have to be back home and see Jack. I haven't spoken at all with him since Monday, though he has sent me numerous texts.

Sitting on Sam's bed I scroll through them. I don't know how many times I've done it these last days. I've lost count.

Sarah please come back home so we can talk.

I fucked up alright? I know. But please listen to me.

Sarah you have to let me speak to you. This is driving me insane. I know I hurt you and I feel terrible.

At least let me know you are alright.

I've scrolled through these texts so many times now that I know them by heart.

At least let me know you are alright.

The words ring in my head. Alright? How can he for a second think that I am alright!
I stare at the words. Does this mean he cares about me? Or is he just trying to get into my head?

I sigh and wipe a hand over my face, letting go of the phone. "What do you mean, Jack?" I murmur to myself.

I stare out the window. It's starting to get dark and I should really head home. I've spoken to mum and promised her that I'd come home today. Even if I didn't I would've had to head home either way, I have over stayed my welcome. Though Sam's parents have been kind enough not to tell me to leave.

I also have spoken to mum about what has happened. Although I haven't been very specific of what it is exactly that has happened. She probably would have bitten Jack's head off if she did. Still she understands why I am out of the house and that's all I need for now.

Too bad I can't spend Christmas with Sam's family. Although I don't want to leave mum behind, Christmas wouldn't be the same without her. It's bad enough Lana isn't home this year. She's decided to spend it on some tropical island eating coconuts all day long or whatever.

Thinking of my older sister makes my heart pinch and yet again I feel like crying. I miss her so, so much. I wish she could be here and talk to me about all of this. She could give me advice, she's dated a few rotten eggs back in the days. Her current boyfriend, Ricky isn't much better. However right now Jack is the most rotten of them all.

Sighing one more time I get up from the bed and pick up my already packed bag from the floor. It's been standing there ready to leave for more than an hour. With the bag in my hand I walk out into the hallway and proceed to take on my shoes.

Sam's at soccer practice so I've already said goodbye to him. Fully dressed and ready to leave, I sneak my head through the kitchen door and gather Wilma, Sam's mother's, attention.

"Thank you so much for everything, Wilma. Sorry the stay was so long." I excuse myself, but Wilma only smiles at me.

"It was great having you here." She says kindly and walk up to me. "You're always welcomed here, Sarah. Now I hope you have a great holiday and merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too and thank you again." I tell her before I leave.

Walking down the road, I bring out my car key and unlock my car. I had to park it on the side of the road since Sam's family's garage already is full. Thankfully enough they don't have any parking limits in this part of town, so I haven't needed to move the car around or anything.

The snow scrunch beneath my feet as I walk. This last week it has snowed like crazy and everywhere you look there's snow. Thus I drive home as slowly as possible. Avoiding as much danger as I can. It doesn't take long before I am home and see that the lights are on in both the living room and the kitchen.

I take a deep breath and brace myself for anything. Dear lord, please don't let me bump into Jack.

Exhaling I exit the car, take my bag out of the trunk and start walking towards our porch. I hesitate only for a second before inserting the key and step inside.

"Sarah?" I hear mum call out and footsteps approaching. Suddenly she's standing in the hallway.

"Hi." I greet her and we embrace in a hug.

"How was it at Sam's?" She asks, looking at me from an arm's length, not letting go.

"It was good." I say with a nod and smile.

"Yeah?" Mum searches my eyes.

"Yeah." I promise, meeting them with confidence.

"Good." She sighs and brings me in for another hug. "Whatever it is that has happened I hope you two can sort it out." She whispers against my neck and I stiffen.

"Jack isn't himself, he barely talks nor eats anymore. I don't know what has happened, but I hope you can get back together."

"We never were together." Is all I can answer rigidly.

"You sure acted like it at times." Mum insists and I don't know what to answer.

"Anyhow." I say awkwardly stepping out of her hug and taking off my jacket. "Are you ready to celebrate Christmas?" I say with fake cheer.

"Not with that sucky Christmas spirit." Mum jokes and pokes her tongue at me.

"Shut up." I chuckle and shove her lightly. Mum laughs as well and kiss my forehead.

I take my bag and bring it up to my room, then change into PJ's. I also unpack my bag and put all dirty clothes in my laundry basket. Turning towards my mirror I proceed to put my hair up in a high ponytail since I prefer to sleep with my hair up. Otherwise it gets so warm during the night.

As I finish with the ponytail I notice someone standing behind me in the mirror. Gasping I turn around and meet Jack's dark eyes. They look hollow and distant. He gives me a weak smile as I stare at him.

"Hi." He says low.

For a moment I just keep looking at him, not saying a word. At last I find the ability to speak somewhere in the back of my brain and answer him.

"Hi." I say sternly.

I don't give him anymore than that though. I refuse to go easy on him. He may look heartbroken, but I'm the one who's heart that is truly breaking. He never had the same interest in me as I had in him. He doesn't love me...

My heart aches as the thought hits me and I have to turn away from him, otherwise I'll either end up punching him or kissing him.

"You never answered any of my texts." He says insecurely and for once I am the confident one of us.

"No." I say shortly. I believe Jack thinks I will continue and say something more, but I keep quiet.

"I was worried about you." My heart aches again and I start to almost feel nauseous. Don't do this to me, Jack. Can't you see you're torturing me?

"Oh I'm sure you were." I mock, still not meeting his eyes. I can't take the emptiness of them. They weren't warm with affection, they weren't even cold, they were just blank. I've never seen him look like that before.

"Sarah, please-" He begs stepping further into my room, but I whirl around and stop him.

"Don't Jack! I can't. Okay? I just can't!" I plead and close my eyes. Jack putting a finger under my chin makes me open them. His stare is digging into mine, full of sorrow and regret.

"I'm sorry." He whispers.

I want to touch him. I do. I really do. But I can't. I won't let myself sink that low. Think of what he did to you, Sarah. Think of all the pain he has caused.

And I do.

With watery eyes I step away from his touch. "Please leave." I say quietly.

Jack looks like he's about to say something more but I interrupt. "Please, Jack!"

Rejection is written all over his face and I almost feel guilty. Almost.

Jack leaves quietly and I close my eyes in agony. I shut my door and go to bed, not bothering to clean myself up beforehand. I cry myself to sleep that night and imagine Jack's sad eyes doing the same.