Darker Than Love | ꪜ

Darker Than Love | 42

Mason's POV

I stared down at my hand blankly, wondering if I was really looking at it or through it. I flexed my fingers and curled them back into a balled fist, clenching it so hard that my long nails dug into my flesh, puncturing it to the point where it drew a bit of blood.

I felt a warm trickle on my palm, wet against my skin but I didn't care. Instead, I shoved my hand into my pocket and peered up, my eyes immediately interlocking with the person sat before me, a clipboard in her hand.

"I knew deep in my heart that one day it was gonna happen but I never knew it would happen so soon and so brutally. But I had also hoped it would never happen, I hoped that for once in my life someone would stick around, and not because they feel obligated too but because they genuinely love me."

"But it's not her fault, nor is it yours. You won't tell me the specifics Mason but you said it yourself, you did what you had to do." She said, her brows perking upwards as she stared me down. "Yeah but I didn't have to go about it like that, what I did was wrong and in the moment I knew it too, and I did it anyway. . ."

"Why?" She inquired. Why? I never asked myself why, because I knew the answer wasn't pretty. The answer showed people and myself who I really was, a selfish, damaged prick. "Mason you came to me, obviously if you did that you needed to get things off your chest. The last time I saw you, you were seven, now you're 18 with all these problems and I don't like seeing you suffer."

The last time I came to a psychiatrist was when I was seven indeed. It was to find out what was wrong with me, why I was acting the way I was until I was diagnosed with BPD. But now I'm here again 11 years later and things have gotten much worse.

"I-I was jealous and selfish, that's why I said all those things to her."

"Jealous how?" She asked, genuinely confused. I sighed deeply and leaned back against the sofa, my eyes flickering towards the chipped ceiling hanging above my head. "I was jealous because she got to break free from the toxicity and I wanted her to feel the pain I felt.

Because I wanted her to feel what it was like to be ripped from something you want so dearly. To me that was her, but for her that was darkness and it angered me, knowing she loved the darkness more than me. She doesn't realize it yet but she's good and me being around her is only feeding the darkness inside her which only brings the bad to the surface.

The thing is when I detach myself from her she has no one to feed off of. But for me? I feed off myself and the darkness in me grows stronger whether I'm with her or not. And that's why I was jealous because she may be heartbroken but eventually, even if it takes a long time she'll get over it and she won't have any darkness to leach off of.

She'll be good again, and she won't be too damaged to realize it. While I'm just here, slowly consuming myself."

I squinted my eyes tightly, in hopes that the tears would subside. I didn't want to cry again, that was weakness, now wasn't the time for me to be weak. "You also mentioned that you were selfish, do you care to elaborate on that?"

I ran my hand over my face and sighed once again, I was fighting to hold back my tears but I could feel something forcing them out as I sat upright, my gaze flickering towards the floor. "I was selfish because I didn't want to be without her. Because without her I'm alone again, I have no one.

But if I stayed with her then she wouldn't be good, she'd be her worse self and I was willing to allow her to succumb to her darkness for my selfish desires. I was selfish because subconsciously I didn't want her to be good. Because if she were, then that would have meant she left me. . .remember? No darkness to feed off of equals good. No Mason, no bad Michelle."