Make My Life Amazing

Chapter 17

Alex’s PoV

I am cut off by Niall’s lips on mine, and I have a mini heart attack. I can't bring myself to push him off. The kiss is very urgent at first, but as we both relax, so does the kiss. Niall takes my face in both of his hands. My chest is tight, and I can't get a hold of my brain. I feel like my head is spinning. I’ve never felt anything like this. I feel suffocated yet tingly. I can't even process how I feel. This is all so weird for me. I’ve never had a real relationship with anyone besides Jacob if you even count that as a relationship. (I would rather not)

Niall pulls back and smiles at me. He opens his mouth and says…

My alarm clock starts buzzing really loudly. I yell loudly at it and throw my pillow at it. It knocks to the ground but doesn’t stop buzzing. I groan. I throw the blankets off me and walk over to shut the god damn thing off. This is the third night at a row that this kind of dream has happened. I always wake up before things go very far but that doesn’t make it any better. I hate these dreams. I want to a) stop having these dreams or b) something to happen to confirm my feelings. I don’t even know what I need to confirm. Of course I have some sort of feelings for Niall that have developed these past few days, but I don’t want to talk about it. I hate talking about feelings. Heck, I hate talking. Okay, that’s a lie, but I have lots of mood swings, and my opinions on some things change. I am a mess.

The dates for Jacob’s trials have been scheduled. They are scheduled for three from tomorrow. I am going to cry or break something. Either way I am pissed. Collins’ is going to be in a month. I am petrified for that one. I don’t want to see Collins again, ever. He is sickening. I hate him. I really hate Collins.

I walk over to my closet and pull out a random shirt. I groan when I see what I shirt I grabbed. I put it back and grab a shirt that I actually like. I pull it onto me and put on some blue jean shorts. I pull my hair into a sock bun, but it takes me three tries to get it right. I head downstairs only to find Addison and Austin being super cute and couple-y. I frown. It’s back again. I do ship them, but they can get annoying and sappy. Sappy is too cliché. Where’s fun in that? I’m totally lying. I would kill for that kind of relationship.

Addison and Austin try to start a conversation with me, but I am not in the mood. I just want to eat and get down to the hospital. I need to see Lou. The nurses decided now to enforce the visiting hours rule. Like, bitch, I have been excused from the rule for the whole time my son has been in the hospital, and you make me leave now? When time is running out? Like no, bitch, no. Can you not? Sincerely, Alex. Enough of that silliness though. I have to get down to the hospital.

I have literally dropped any career I might have had before. I don’t care about singing, or modeling, or speaking motivationally. Screw all that. I would trade my son for ever good thing that has happened to me to this day. I would trade Lou’s life for my life. Lou will do something amazing! I will be a burden my whole life whereas Lou will make history. I just know it.

Soon enough, I am in the car and on my way to the hospital. I grip the steering wheel tightly. I know that if anything had happened to Lou, the hospital would call me, but there is still that little bit of fear that maybe they wouldn’t want to deliver the news over the phone. Would they wait to tell me in person? No, they are obligated to tell me if anything happens right away.

Lou is starting chemo therapy today to try and lessen the cancer. I feel so bad for my baby. I know chemo therapy hurts and that it can make you sick and all this other stuff that I didn’t feel like reading. Lou does know that he is getting chemo therapy, but he doesn’t know what it is, obviously. I check the time in my car. It is too damn early. I want to sleep, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I tried. I’ve had to get sleeping pills, again, and I hate it because it takes forever for them to start working on me. Maybe I need a different brand, I don’t know, but I just want to get more sleep than I am getting.