Some Nights

Holding On

caution: contains the spanking of Sam Winchester. also: trigger warning for death/loss/hurt/sadness and active shooter situation. plus, a mild non explicit implied sexual scene.

"Hold on,

I still want you.

Come back,

I still need you."

-Chord Overstreet

*****

The sudden knocking on the door broke through the fog in Cas's mind. He blinked, realizing he had just been standing underneath the spray of water, not moving. He turned the water off quickly, and climbed out, wrapping a towel around his waist before moving towards the door and opened it a crack.

Gabriel stood there, fist poised to knock again. When he saw Cas, he gave him a small smile. "Um, Sam's here. I told him to wait in your room."

"Thanks." Cas said quietly.

Gabriel hesitated as if he wanted to say something else, but instead gave a little nod, and headed back towards his room. Cas watched him go, wishing for all the world that they could just say what they fek He pulled on his underwear and jeans, looking out the window. It was strange. It felt as if the weather should be gloomy, or rainy, but it was actually a gorgeous October day.

Sam was laying on the bed when Cas entered the room, his hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. He sat up when he heard the footsteps. "Hi."

He looked tired, eyes red rimmed from crying. He hadn't brushed his hair, tiny little strands sticking up all over the place. Cas didn't have to fake the smile that crossed his face, and he tossed his comb on the dresser over to bed where it landed in front of Sam, who looked up with a quizzical look.

"Have you seen yourself?" Cas asked, heading for the closet. He already knew what he wanted to wear, had known since last year. His hands shook as he found the letterman jacket, and buried his face into it. The familiar smell surrounded him, making his eyes blur.

"Could ask you the same thing." Sam was saying, getting off the bed, and standing in front of the mirror, combing his long hair back. "You look like something dragged you all over the house.." Sam stopped, catching his breath as he saw Cas emerge from the closet.

Cas paused, wiping his eyes again on the sleeve of the jacket. "Is...is it okay if I wear this?" He hadn't thought to ask the younger brother. "I just thought that it made sense for me to wear it."

Sam stared at him, and to Cas's horror, his eyes welled up, the tears spilling over. Cas didn't hesitate, quickly crossing the room to him, and wrapping him in his arms. Sam buried his face into the sweater, sobbing hard. The two boys stood there, holding each other, until Sam finally pulled away.

"Smells like him. That's kinda weird?"

Cas shrugged, looking down at the high school letterman jacket. "I haven't washed it or anything. I just don't want it to lose his essence or something."

"Yeah." Sam swallowed again, wiping at his eyes. He pulled something out of the collar of his shirt, and showed it to Cas. It was the necklace that Dean always wore, the one Sam had given him. As long as Cas had known him, Dean had never taken it off. "I know what you mean. I can't bear to think of what would happen if I lost this. It would be like.." Sam stopped, biting his lip.

"Losing him all over again." Cas said numbly.

"Yeah." Sam took a deep breath. "You ready?"

No.