Star Crossed

Chapter Seventy Nine- You broke me

"Tom!" I called across the entrance hall my mind spinning losing its battle for control against my fastly beating heart. A dark figure stood silhouetted in the open doorway against the dark moonlit winter sky. 
I stopped my breathing heavy as my eyes focused on the figure before it began to walk away without so much as a backwards glance. Swallowing  hard I hoisted up the skirt of my dance and ran across the hallway and out of the doors. The cold December air hitting me across my face, I attempted to steady my breathing. 
"So that's it? You're just going to keep running away like a coward." I called to him unable to control the sea of emotions which were attacking my every nerve ending making my skin tingle and sting, the silhouette froze and bowed their head. 
"Talk to me!" I shouted at him my voice horse. I wanted to grab hold of him, shake him, hug him and strangle him all in one breath. 
"Don't you ever do that to me again! What is wrong with you! Why are you doing this! Is this some sick joke to you!" unable to control myself I slammed my fits against his back. 
Before I could take another breath Tom's strong hands clenched my arms as he spun around to face me holding my arms away from him he forced them to my side. 
We were mere inches away from each other,  I could feel his breath on my skin, his hair tickling my forehead. My lips began to burn as his brushed ever so slightly against my own. I felt my breathing become fast and shallow, my heart beat more erratic... the world seemed to slow down as I lost all self awareness as I stared into his swirling blue eyes a strange burning fire beneath their surface. There was a hungry look in his eyes but also pain, like a battle was raging inside of his head.
But suddenly the moment was dragged away as Tom pulled away forcefully pushing against my shoulders to back himself away from me. He looked ashen, horrified... he didn't know what to do he was shaking, he seemed to be struggling to come to terms with the situation.

"What are you afraid of?" I breathed walking towards him hesitantly, I stopped mere feet away from him in silence but he did not respond.
"Answer me!" I shouted feeling my frustration bubble up inside of me.

"You!" He yelled spinning around to face him, I staggered backwards taken back by his sudden response. Silence spread out between as he stared at each other both of our chests heaving.

"Me..." I scoffed.

"Everything that you represent. Every feeling, emotion and thought  that I never want to have." his voice was little more than a whisper on the silent nights air. I felt a pain like that of a knife rip through my heart.
"And what feelings, emotions and thoughts are they Tom?" I asked quietly, Tom did not reply silence filled the still night air. 
"You can't even bring yourself to say it can you..." I breathed. 
 "You represent everything that makes humans weak. I can't let anything destroy everything I have worked so hard to achieve. I can't..." He hissed, he was beginning to fidget something I had never seen him do before. He was frustrated, restless...

"No you mean you wont." I breathed, my chest felt as if it may explode as I stared up at him, his expression and eyes so cold once more. Everytime I thought that I was so close to discovering the man beneath the mask he would pull away from me and yet I knew that he wanted to be close, he craved affection and yet he feared it all at once. 
"No I won't." He breathed but his voice was not as strong as it once was... there was hesitation as if he was punishing himself. Yet as much as I wanted nothing more than him to let me in... I needed to be strong. I needed to protect myself, he may punish himself but I could let him punish me to. 
"I am nobody's pawn to play." I whispered trying to bite back the tears which wear seeping from my eyes, a lump forming in my throat making it difficult for me to speak. 
"I am a Queen and I will be treated as such." my voice cracked as I quickly turned away and ran back towards the castle. I wanted him to call me back, to stop me but he did not.

Queen's did not cry, Queen's did not cry! Queen's turned pain into power. I wanted to run away, run up to my dormitory and hide from praying eyes but no. He would not make me run, I would stand tall these were his demons not mine. 

I took a deep breath and stepped through the threshold back into the hall. The celebrations seemed to be back into full swing as nobody seemed to notice me re enter the throng. No one that was besides Lazarus. 
"What in Merlin is going on?" he hissed under his breath as he grabbed hold of my wrist and pulled me to one side. 
"Nothing." I stated bluntly pulling my arm out of his grasp. 
"Don't lie to me Grisha." He spat rolling his eyes at me. "What was all that about... you and Tom... everyone was watching you two it was like..." he paused his eyes looked watery as he stared at me desperately, I had nothing I could say to him all I wanted to do was cry with him but I couldn't... I wouldn't.
"I'm sorry Lazarus but as much as you wont believe me it is not what you think." I breathed pulling my hand away from him, his hand slipped from my arm easily as he dropped it back to his side. 
"Lazarus," Wiglaf called to him placing a hand upon his shoulder before he noticed me. 
"Grisha," he said curtly but I could tell his eyes were scrutinising me. 
"Grisha!" an excited voice squeaked from behind me before a pair of pale freckled arms wrapped themselves around me. 
"I can't believe you danced with Tom! It was magical!" she beamed, my whole body tensed as I wanted nothing more than to collapse into a heap upon the floor. How did this happen? How did all of this happen? Why couldn't I just be a normal teenage girl attending Hogwarts? A normal girl with her family still waiting for her at home. I didn't want this! I didn't want any of this! I didn't ask to be an Heir, I didn't ask to meet Tom Riddle, I didn't ask to fall for... 
I backed away from Amber, Wiglaf and Lazarus before turning and rushing from the hall. I ran up through the entrance hall and up the large marble stairs and back towards Gryffindor tower. 
I dropped down upon my bed and let the tears stream from my eyes, they came and came and came as I struggled to control my own breathing. Tears that had been hidden away for so long. Tears for my Mother, tears for my Father, tears for this wretched war, tears for my friends, tears for Tom... tears for myself... 

I felt myself slowly drift away into a restless sleep... the room around me becoming dark... my soul too exhausted to stay awake. I knew that I would awaken tomorrow and have to face everything but for now... for now sleep brought all the numbness of death without the permanence.