Star Crossed

Chapter Ninety- For your protection

The breeze blew through the trees as the early May mid morning sun shone through the branches casting dancing shadows upon the ground. The only sound those of our footsteps and bird song. I glanced over to my right, he always walked with such purpose and grace. His emerald lined robes billowing out behind him, his black patent leather shoes always perfectly shined, his white shirt always so crisp and bright. So much had changed and yet some things never changed. It had been a week or two since I had caught Lestrange and Parkinson that evening in the corridor... I had not told a soul about it... not Wiglaf, not Lazarus... not Tom... though I wanted to. I wanted to question him... 
"What is it?" his soothing voice broke me from my thoughts and I quickly averted my eyes realising that I had been indeed staring at him. 
"Nothing." I lied coming to a stop and looking out across the small body of water within the forest, not many students were aware of this spot. It was light amongst the dark, inviting amongst the threatening, the hidden gem that so many missed out on experiencing due to the fear surrounding the forest and people's unwillingness to look any closer and see the beauty within. I don't really know what had led myself and Tom here we had just started walking... we hadn't even really spoken up until now. 
"You're lying." Tom breathed also coming to a stop beside me, he leaned back against a nearby tree resting one of his feet back against it. 
I swallowed as I bit my lip... 
"Do you ever feel as if things are moving further and further out of your control." I breathed. 
"No." he replied simply. "I am always in control."
I scoffed shaking my head, "Of course you are." 
"So are you." He replied, I turned my gaze upon him a confused expression upon my face. "Everyone can be in control if they take control." he continued a smile tugging at his lips. 
"Sometimes you can't take control." I replied. "No matter how much you want to, somethings are beyond our control..." Tom merely looked at me expectantly I took a deep breath. 
"Our family... our past... our feelings... and those of others." I breathed feeling my stomach cramp as if someone was squeezing it with their fist and twisting it around and around into one large knot. 
Tom's face was impassive as he almost seemed to stare past me across the lake towards where two finches were sat upon a branch rubbing their beaks up against one another as they sang. 
Moments passed in silence. 
"I wish that I could change those things... and not just my own." I whispered looking up towards him. "You know that don't you." I breathed.
"That is your problem, you focus too much on others." he replied, his eyes still staring beyond me, refusing to make direct eye contact with me. 

"And your problem is that you don't focus on others enough or else you would see how much you mean to them." I replied my voice starting to shake. 
He raised an eyebrow at me and shifted slightly against the tree that had become his leaning post as he tilted his head to the side questionably. 
"Don't look at me like that," I whispered averting my eyes from him, feeling my hands begin to shake... what was I doing...
"You are pushing us away." I croaked a strange lump forming my throat I swallowed it down before taking a deep breath. 
"Us." Tom repeated. I let out a whoosh of air in exasperation.
"Wiglaf, Lazarus..." I paused for a moment steadying myself. "me..." I added in little more than a whisper.
"I don't know what you are talking about." Tom snapped turning his head away from me once more.
"Do you truly not care? All these years and we mean nothing." I blurted unable to stop myself, I had wanted to say this for so long that it felt like a great weight had been lifted as the words left me. 
"Stop." Tom instructed his voice was stern as he snapped his head back around to face me. 
"No." I replied quickly taking a step closer to him, holding my head up as high as I could. 
"No I won't stop." I repeated. "Answer me." I demanded. 
"I do not know what you mean by care." Tom admitted, spitting out the word like it was foreign to him. "If you mean do I live my life for you then no. If you mean..." he trailed off for a moment his face still unreadable. 
"What?" I breathed. "Should I help you? I care about you. I care about your health, I care about how you feel, I care about what you have been through and what you are currently going through and what you will go through in the future. I care!" 

The was another long drawn out pause as Tom looked at me his blue eyes swirling in an untranslatable mist. 
"And if I am truly honest..." I shifted uncomfortably. "I'm worried about your health, I'm worried about what is going on up there." I pointed to his head. "I'm worried about what you have been through, what you are going through and I am certainly worried about what the future holds for you. You are so detached!" I threw up my arms in frustration. "Why won't you let me in! We have been through so much together! You can trust me! Why don't you trust me." All of my frustrations had seemed to come to a head and were spilling from me. 
Tom took in a large intake of breath, pursing his lips before focusing his eyes upon me. 
"Why are you worried? What does it matter to you?" he asked. 
"What does it matter to me!?" I could barely contain myself, what was wrong with him! Why couldn't he see! "You matter to me!" 
"Why?" he asked tilting his head to the side. 
"Because I..." I trailed off unsure of how to reply... "But I don't matter to you." I nodded my head in acceptance before turning around to walk away as I felt my eyes burn and the lump in my throat return. I felt sick, exhausted... 
"Wait..." I thought that perhaps I was hearing things but it was certainly Riddle's voice albeit it did sound slightly exasperated. I composed myself before turning back around to face him. He had pulled himself away from the tree now and had walked towards me now only a few steps away from me. 
"Is all I have done for you not enough?" he asked. "I taught you how to fight and to fly... I came to your aid when you needed me." 

His words clung to me as I ran them through my head again and again...
"You asked why I won't let you in? Because I don't let people in, you let people in they destroy you." 
"You think I'd destroy you?" I breathed as I felt a warm tear drip down my cheek I grit my teeth, I hadn't wanted to show him my tears yet to my surprise he rose his pale hand and gently wiped away my tear with one of his long fingers. 
"Yes." He replied. 
"How?" I asked as he pulled his hand away, I felt a strange pang in my chest as if I didn't want him to pull away. 
"It does not matter." He replied. "Because you never will, I would never allow it." he stepped himself away from me. 
"Remember this Grisha, I am protecting you. And I shall continue to protect you but you must detach yourself. Do not rely upon others for they will never be able to give you what you deserve." 
My breath hitched in my throat as time seemed to freeze around us. 
'I am protecting you. I shall  continue to protect you."; 
What was he protecting me from? others or himself?
' they will never be able to give you what you deserve.' 
Did he mean.... did he mean he would never be able to give me what I deserved?
Perhaps he was right, perhaps I did need to detach, perhaps he would never let me in and perhaps it was for my own protection but I was too deep now... I couldn't let him go.