Absolutely Yours

52

Arthit's POV

"I miss you, too."

I was frozen and flabbergasted, I can't believe my ears were hearing it.  His words warmed me in its embrace.

 A tiny ball of hope started to gradually light up inside me. Maybe, we still have a chance. Maybe, I can still make it up to him. Maybe, he can still forgive me. Maybe we can still be together. Maybe, he would still want me. Maybe, he still likes me. Maybe, he still wants me back. And maybe, he still loves me. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

"but it hurts." three words, but it killed the light of hope that I was clinging onto a while ago. Words indeed are very powerful, it will either make you or break you in a heartbeat whether you're ready for it or not.

Soon after the words slipped out of his mouth, I felt his hand rubbed my back up and down. The gentleness of his touch sent a feeling of euphoria in me. I had mixed feelings inside that my words were stuck in my throat. 

I wept silently in his arms with him trying to hush me but his kindness just made me want to cry all the more. After a long while, I pulled away and tried to wipe my tears using the back of my hand but he ceased me. He put both his palm on my cheek and use his thumb to wipe the trace of salty water on my cheek. I kept my eyes at him as he does his thing. He was gentle as always. Every touch has a strong sense of care. It was overwhelming, he was overwhelming.

I saw his dark circles and his skin was dry - signs that he was lacked of sleep. It ached me inside, knowing I caused it - knowing I was the reason behind it. He pursed his lip and my eyes thwarted on it. I miss the feeling of his lips to mine, it felt like it was a lifetime. Before my mind could come up with reasons not to, I angled my head to kiss him. It was supposed to be a peck, but I lingered my lips a little longer- selfishly satisfying my own desire. I gave myself a taste of pure bliss that I have been neglecting as if my whole life depended on it. His lips was cold but it taste the same and it never failed to give me butterflies. 

I refused to let this go. I refused to let him go. I love him enough to fight for whatever's left of us and I love him enough not to let go. If only.. If only, he will have me back.

I want to clear things once and for all. I want us to start again with nothing holding us both back. I took a deep, deep breath and met his eyes, "Kong, " his name graced out of my lips with longing.

I realized when you want to apologize and actually mean it, it's going to be difficult because you're afraid if what you are going to say is enough for the person to forgive you - especially when you want that forgiveness so damn bad.

"I am never good with apologies for I barely messed things up that require apologies,well at least to my knowledge or with my friends but with you I seemed to always do, I seemed to always do the wrong thing that winded up hurting you. I don't know where to but let me start with.." I stopped and wanted his full attention as if it wasn't on mine yet. "Kong, I'm sorry." I leaned in on his shoulder for support. I felt like my knees were about to give up on me but I must go on.

 I pulled my head back at a snail pace to meet his eyes, His lips jerked up, my heart skipped a beat. "I'm sorry for hurting you.I am stubborn, hardheaded, complicated, difficult and you have no reasons to stay with me but please, please, just please." I begged - throwing my pride away. It won't give me my happiness. Kong is more important than that. "Stay,"

 "These past few days without you were hell. And I don't want to go through that again. I miss you. I miss you so much. You don't have any reasons to take me back, but please take me back. Sahit," I noticed his dark eyes hardened for a moment and his jaw flexed.  "It was what you saw -we kissed. It wasn't an accident,  I let it happen. I made a mistake. It was unforgivable and I don't want to make any excuses to justify it because I know I shouldn't have. It was wrong. For what its worth, it was you on my mind when I kissed her." Arthit was desperate. He knew it was low blow but he was desperate. 

"Kong, I am certain where my heart lies, My heart knows where it belongs but I'm stupid enough not to realize it sooner. " there was this warm sense of feeling that staggering me inside. "I love you, not because you make me happy nor you make me feel so special. " I chuckled bitterly. "Well, they are part of it but I don't think I need any reasons to.. I just do. I love you. " I put my hand around his neck, "Can you love me again?"

There he was with his stoic expression - I hated that his face wasn't giving me anything but I'm glad he didn't turn away. "No, I can't love you again, Arthit."

It was the most deafening silence I heard, his words was piercing into my soul. The feeling of being ripped apart was an understatement. It was beyond pain. Knowing  he might saying it was one thing but hearing it coming from his mouth was entirely a different one. It was like he was punch in the face by reality. And reality is a bitter pill to swallow. I smiled bitterly at him and slowly retracted my arms. I turned my head down, directing it at my shoes, afraid he'd be able to see me in agony. 

It's the least thing I could do - to not make things difficult for him.

He lifted my chin up and for the first time in like so long, the corner of his lips jerked up - forming a genuine smile. For a moment, my heart ceased to beat and I held my breath. And for a fleeting moment, I started to hope again but expected the worst. 

"Cause I never stopped. "