The Opposite Of Good

[44] For You

[Amara's P.O.V]

From the day that my parents died, I learnt to live with keeping a lot of things to myself. My feelings would always get buried deep down in my chest throughout the day but only to unravel themselves at night when I'm all alone. I learnt to be able to survive with everything happening to me, to live with the pain and never show that I'm suffering. I had to always put on a falsely behaviour and a form of deliberate deception in order to survive. Even though everything was eating at me and killing me slowy inside.

Talking about my experience hasn't at all been any good for me nor has it been easy. Although it relieved most things from my chest, things that I had longed to utter to another person, it was still uncomfortable and always made me cringe. Like everytime I talk about it, in my mind I get transported back to that place and I don't want that to happen anymore.

But the longer I procrastinated speaking about being raped to Justin, the longer I'll have to keep up with the constant flashbacks of those obnoxious events. If I tell him about everything, he might see different in me but at least I would be relieved and feeling less guilty about myself. I can't let anyone be with me and like me without knowing the full truth about me.

Some things you just can't do.

The whole ride home, Justin has been trying to talk to me but I'd occasionally nod or hum out a response, not feeling too good to be full on conversing. He eventually got the hint and stayed silent in the end. I had given back his shirt because he was driving and I wouldn't want us to be stopped by the police because he was half naked. Who knows?

Once we reached to a place I now refer to as home, I stepped inside with Justin following behind me. I went upstairs and into the bathroom to get a shower.

Once I was in, with the water hitting my skin, I thought about how amazing this night has been. Justin was really being open with me tonight and I appreciated it. Which only made me feel like an unfair, contemptible and overly inconsiderate person for allowing him to go this far still not knowing anything about the sexual abuse.

I felt bad because Justin might be thinking that he did something wrong which caused me to act this way when the truth is that I just wanted to be alone for a while until I decide what to do.

I decided to finally stop being selfish and went downstairs after putting on my pink and white pyjama set. Justin was sitting by the fireplace all alone, sitting on a pillow and his arms resting on his knees as he stared at the fire like it was the most fascinating thing on Earth.

I couldn't help but stay a bit longer when I reached the last step, just to look at him like a creep. A wave of happiness suddenly hit me as I realised that I wasn't just staring at the boy that was just a housemate to me. I was staring at my boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

Feels good when I say it.

So I walked closer to him and kneeled down next to him, keeping my eyes on the burning fire but glanced at him after. He was already looking at me. I got up and in a swift move, grabbed a cushion from the couch and I was back next to Justin.

"You feeling better now?" He asked in a sweet way and I grinned as I nodded. He reached out and held my hands, bringing them to his lips and kissing them. I blinked but intentionally closed my eyes a little longer when I felt his lips against my skin.

"You know, what you said back at the beach really had me so worried. And you wouldn't talk to me in the car as well. I can't believe I just asked you to be my girlfriend not even two hours ago but I already failed to make you happy." Justin lowered his gaze when he said the last part, it just tore my heart into two.