Writer Games | Death Wish & 51

Task Six: On My Own /SF - Lincoln Gardner [8]

I always thought the  reason people hugged was because of Dopamine stimulation. Only, now that  I think about it, maybe it's much more than just. Maybe it's the  electrifying feeling you get when you touch, or the feeling of security  you receive, where for a single second in time, you feel like everything  will be okay. The stimulation of Oxycontin, isn't it?

"Well I guess this is goodbye." Maria speaks to what's left of the group.
Five people...

"Well before we go, I'd  like to say to everyone that I really enjoyed being around all you guys,  and it makes me sad to see you all go..." Amari pauses. "Oh! And good  luck to everyone on whatever happens next." she beams.
I smile  faintly, and soon enough she waves goodbye to everyone before leaving  into the night. We never really spoke to each other, but I'd be lying if  I said I didn't appreciate her enthusiasm.

"Well," Alicia claps her  hands together, "This has been fun, and I wish we could've spent time  together under different circumstances. However, things happen, and it  seems our time together has ended. You all are great, and I wish you all  the best of luck with whatever happens in the near future."
She  hugs Maria, and the two exchange words that I can't hear before she  waves one last goodbye to everyone and heading off into the distance. If  anyone can survive, it's Alicia. One of the most intelligent people I  know, if not the most intelligent. Maria turns to Kara and I, choked on  her wording with watery eyes, and does nothing but wave before leaving. I  imagine it must have been hard for her to say goodbye to her closest  friend, and confidant here...

"Hey Kara, I-"

"-Please don't make this awkward Linc." Kara quickly cuts me off.

Hey Kara, I like you,  and I don't think we should separate. After last night I realized how  much I like you and how you make me feel. I like you a lot, and I don't  wanna leave you.

"Oh, right, uh, like  they said it was nice being with you. And um before I wish you good luck  I want to tell you that I thought about what I said to you about not  having a family and-"

"-Lincoln, it's fine.  Honestly, for some odd reason you're probably more wounded by that than I  was." she interrupts once again.

I want to tell you  that I thought about what you said about not having a family, and I want  to be your family. I want to be your confidant, and ally. The person  you lean on when you need it most.

"Good luck Kara." I smile halfheartedly.

She returns the smile,  and before I know it she's hugging me again. Slightly shocked by it, I  hug her back, and just as quickly as she hugged me, she breaks the  embrace.

"You too Lincoln." she replies before turning around to leave.

Yet just as she looks like she's about to leave, she stops and turns to me one last time.

"Hey Lincoln, I want you  to always remember what I said last night, and always keep it in mind.  Stop trying so hard to be an image that others want you to be. Be who  you want to be and actually are, because that Lincoln's the best  Lincoln, and the Lincoln I know." she concludes.

I nod my head in reply,  and afterwards she walks off, this time without turning back. I fight  the urge to call out to her, and because of it, she disappears into the  darkness of Nevada. Guess I'm all alone now. Following everyone's lead, I  begin walking into the darkness myself with nothing to light my path  but the stars, and moon. Though as bright as the moon and stars shine,  it's not nearly enough for me to see where I'm going, and instead feels  like I'm walking blindly in a random direction. What am I doing? No,  what am I doing? I left Kara in this darkness too. She's walking blindly  too. At least if we stayed together we'd be walking in the darkness  together. Together...Is that what I want? No, that's a stupid question,  of course that's what I want. Last night, for minutes in time, she made  me feel different. Made me feel like I didn't have to be the guy that my  parents want me to be, the guy that my teachers expect me to be, but  the guy that I am. She knows who I am, not just the front that I put up.  Not the happy, intelligent, calm Lincoln, but the weary, hard-working,  and nervous out of his mind Lincoln. I told her everything. The  overwhelming desire to be be something great in someone else's eyes, the  reasoning, everything. In return, she hugged me, and in that moment I  realized I was stupid. I had something so great in front of me, and I  didn't even notice. Didn't they always say that when you have something  great you need to keep it, and treasure it, close to your heart? I  should go back right?  I stop in my tracks, and consider it for a  second. She's probably gone too far for me to catch up, and it's too  dark for me to see anything. And what if...

What if my perception  of things has failed me and in reality she hates my guts? Maybe she  just felt sorry for me. Maybe her sincerity was false, and she pities  me. Actually, what reason have I even given her to like me? Besides  carrying her bags once, I treated her less than she was. I told her she  had no life or family...I wanted to hurt her, and she knows it. She  probably hates me for it. I'd hate me for saying that, so she must feel  no different. If she wanted to stay together, she would've said so. How  could I be such a jerk to someone so great? There's no chance she  actually likes me. I was such a jerk, and besides...she deserves better.  She deserves someone I can't be. A confident, selfless, guy who can  show how much he loves her everyday. Not me...

I continue walking, and  it just seems like the darkness is getting thicker and thicker with each  step. Almost like the moon and stars are nonexistent.

What if there was  something there? What if she actually did like me? If she did, I might  regret not saying anything when we could've been something, like  friends, or something more...No, what am I thinking? I need to move on  and let her go. Build a map for myself, and get out of here. She does  deserve more, friend wise, and- yes, I need to move on. Take the stars  from my eyes and move on. Yes, move on.

I take some more steps, and I actually can't even see my feet anymore. To  be completely enveloped in darkness...Is this what Kerry felt like? Is  this what death feels like? Complete darkness that surrounds you, and  makes you feel lost on the inside and out? Did she feel the same pang in  her chest as I do in mine? The grief that makes your heart ache, and  makes you long for another smile or laugh from the person you're  thinking about? No, I wouldn't know what she felt. I left her in the  darkness myself when John died, and she was heartbroken. I left her.  Like I'm doing Kara.

No. I can't do this  to Kara. I have to go back. I can't leave her in the darkness like I did  Kerry. Kerry died because I failed her as a friend. I'm not going to  fail Kara. I have to go back. She means too much to me to just leave her  in the dark. I'll catch up to her. The map is in her eyes... like I  said it was on the first day. I'll catch up to her, and we can stay in  the darkness together...

I turn around and sprint in the direction I came from.

I'll find you Kara... and I'll stay in the darkness with you.