Writer Games | Death Wish & 51

Task Seven: Epilogue /F - Lincoln Gardner [8]

"It's a nice idea, but  in replacing the silicon dioxide gate dielectric with another material  adds complexity to the manufacturing process, which is the exact problem  other companies face. While it helps prevents the leakage of currents,  we need to consider whether or not it's worth the time or money. Seeing  as it complicates the manufacturing process, it becomes prone to having  defective states in the high-k dielectric model itself." One of my  coworkers easily counters Peterson's idea.

I sit uncomfortably in a  business chair, taking notes like I have been for the past few hours.  In a lot of ways, this is a similar to my university experience, the  only difference being this is the real deal and not a lecture. Instead,  various people are presenting ideas for a newer and improved integrated  circuit. Plus it's a conference room, and not a university classroom.

"What about a three dimensional integrated circuit?" I interject.

All eyes at the table  dart towards me, and at the end of the table sits the director, laid  back in his chair, with steepling fingers and narrow eyes. Like she told you, "Be confident."

"Essentially this  meeting has been about two dimensional integrated circuits, but maybe  it's more viable if we take on a different approach to the innovation of  integrated circuits by going down the route of three dimensional  integrated circuits. They require less power than two dimensional  circuits, and they can be contained in smaller footprints than the  conventional two dimensional processes, making them relatively  practical, and not as problematic. Theoretically, we could even mount  two or more dice on top of each other. An individual die is now so thin  that it would be possible to mount 100 on top of each other to form a  cube, and while I'm aware  the amount of heat being generated would melt  the resulting structure into a puddle of silicon in a very short time, a  solution might be to create the dice using diamond as the substrate—"

"—Do you have any notes on this?" the director interrupts me.

I nod my head once, and  immediately slide my electrical design rough draft to him. Though, in  hindsight, it would've been more professional if I just outright handed  it to him.

"Not really notes, but  more of a plan. It's mostly complete besides missing a few minor  details. But if you refer to page thirty of the design rationale, the  reason diamonds would be a good substrate is because..." I pause and  become distracted by my phone which vibrates on the wood of the table.
It makes a loud noise, and I laugh nervously as almost everyone stares at me disapprovingly. I'm going to get in trouble for this later... and I bet I know who it is.  I glance at my phone, and sure enough my thoughts are validated.  Hesitantly, I push the ignore button, and clear my throat, attempting to  recover.

"As I was saying, diamonds are..." I find myself trailing off as my phone vibrates yet again.

I'm going to get back at her for this.

"Excuse me sir, would you mind if I took this call? It's really important." I ask.

He slowly nods his head,  not even looking up from the draft he currently reads, and holds up two  fingers, telling me how much time I have.  I mumble a quick thanks  before picking up my phone from off the table and exiting the room to  answer the call.

"You kind of called at a bad time." I state.

But don't worry because I'll get back at you.

"I just don't understand." she ignores my last comment.

Not vague at all...

"Understand what?" I question.

"I don't understand  math, I don't understand Bio, and I don't understand you. Why? Why do  you have to take math over here? I already took it in high school, and  I'm not majoring in it, so why? Why do I have to take bio? Why do they  shove all this homework down your throat? Do I look like Speedy Gonzales  when it comes to doing work for any of these subjects? And finally, how  on earth did you do any of this, and for the most part, want to? It's  just so stupid!" she vents.

I'm really glad you followed through on that promise.

"Yeah...It's a lot a  work, but I promise it'll pay off. Just think, you'll be out in a few  years, and you can live your dream, and I'm sure it'll be great." I  reply.
She sighs and it's hard to tell if she believes me or not...

"Yeah. Right."

I hesitate.

"...You know...if it means anything...I'm proud of you Kara."

Why did I say that? That  was such an awkward thing to say. Almost as bad as the time I asked to  hold her hand. That was stupid. She said yes, but it was still stupid.

"Thanks Linc...Anyways, you should get back to work. Talk to you later." she finishes.

"For sure. Good luck on your homework." I say before ending the call.

Was that important?  Probably not. But doesn't matter. I begin walking back to the conference  room when I start grinning. I remember the day when I first saw Kara.  Even as a stranger I thought she was really pretty. I also remember when  I found her in the darkness exactly one year ago. I had gone back for  her so we could stay in the darkness together, and the plan went  accordingly. We stayed in the darkness together, and then we left the  darkness together, or otherwise, we had finally left Area 51. Though I  didn't ask her out that day like I said I would. It took me a few weeks,  and a stack of notecards...But still, that feels like a century ago.

To think, a whole  year has passed since then. An entire year has gone by since the many  deaths that occurred there. Only a year, and the media has little to no  interest in the event anymore, and that's actually really sad. I know  that the biggest fear that enveloped the base was the fear of not being  remembered, and sure enough, within a year, they had been forgotten just  the way they had feared...But I'll remember them. I'll remember the  greatness of them all, and I'll remember the people they tried to be.

I'll also remember  who I was about a year ago. He was a lot different from who I am  now...or at least that's what I think. He was a guy with an overwhelming  desire to be great in everyone's eyes, and he wanted something that he  shouldn't have been reaching for. He tried hard for the wrong reasons,  and the only thing he became was weary.

I also recall what  Kara had told me twice when I was with her at the base, "Stop trying so  hard to be an image that others want you to be. Be who you want to be  and actually are, because that Lincoln's the best Lincoln, and the  Lincoln I know." I won't ever forget that. Truthfully, I knew somewhere  in my heart I was unhappy with the way life was going. I knew I was  exhausted from trying to keep people happy when it's an impossible task,  and now I'm finally happy because seasons change with people, and that  includes me.

For once in a long  time, I'm actually happy. I don't want to please just anyone anymore,  and I don't want to try hard for anyone but myself, and I'm finally  happy. It's not the happiness that's touched with sadness, or the mask  for whatever you're hiding. It's not the happiness that lasts for  moments at a time before disappearing back into thin air and leaving  your heart aching again. It's the happiness where you actually enjoy  life, and want to be a part of it. Where you're excited to get out of  bed everyday, and you're restless.

I'm finally where I  want to be. I'm an electrical engineer with an amazing girlfriend, and  actual friends. Eternal joy. That's what I have.

Kara taught me how to be happy and more confident. I keep thinking that I found her in the darkness...Honestly, she found me.