City of Blinds Series 1: Cross Fire

Chapter 34

"Her heart had so much love inside. The problem was that it was poor in direction. Madaling maligaw ang puso niya kaya madalas ay kailangan pa iyong sunduin bago makauwi. Dahil kung hindi ko iyon gagawin, parati siyang matatagalan at kung saan-saan pa posibleng dumaan. Because she tends to fulfill others' needs, while disregarding her own needs. But she was the love I didn't mind chasing. That's why I was willing to go until the ends of the Earth just to fetch her heart. But there was another problem. Bukod sa magkaibang direksiyon na ang tinatahak ng mga isipan namin ay parati ring nagkakasalisi ang mga puso namin." –NC

PAKIRAMDAM ni Nickolai ay may patalim na humiwa sa kanyang puso nang kumalas ang kamay ni Cinaris mula sa pagkakahawak niya. Iyon ang unang beses na nangyari iyon. Ang mga mata nito ay unti-unti na ring lumilihis sa kanya. He couldn't remember how many times his heart broke while watching her sleeping last night. Napakarami nitong mga galos at sugat. She looked like she had been deprived of food and sleep the past days.

Alam niyang masama ang loob sa kanya ng dalaga. At natatakot siyang makita iyon sa mga mata nito sa oras na magising na ito kaya sa labas siya naghintay. Hindi niya alam kung paano siya mapapatawad ni Cinaris at kung paano mapapatawad ang kanyang sarili sa nangyari.

"Akala mo ba ay gusto kong makulong sa nararamdaman ko?" Halos pabulong na sinabi ni Nickolai nang akmang lalabas na si Cinaris ng kwarto nito. He never thought that he would experience seeing her walk away from him again. And it hurts. A damn lot. "I wanted to get over the pain, too. I just couldn't. Gusto ko nang makalimot pero ayaw nito!" Tinapik niya nang malakas ang dibdib. "At nito!" Sunod-sunod na dinuro niya ang sentido hanggang sa napu-frustrate na nasabunutan niya ang sarili kasabay ng pag-iinit ng kanyang mga mata.

"You want the truth?" Humarap sa kanya si Cinaris. Her eyes were filled with longing that Nickolai couldn't stand to look longer. Because he was longing, too. He was secretly longing for the old times.

"The truth is, the pain and the memories will always haunt us day and night. And they won't stop. Gano'n sila kalulupit. But we would have to keep going. Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi buhay pa tayo. Ikaw ang nagpa-realize sa akin ng bagay na 'yan noon. I understand that you're still in pain, Nick. We all are. At iyong mga tao sa labas na tinawag mong mga walang silbi?" Tinuro ng dalaga ang bintana. "Iyong mga taong iniwan mo? Nick, nawalan din silang tulad mo. Sergeant Merek, for example, both lost his wife and child when the enemies attacked them thirteen days ago. But he didn't leave the citizens because of his grief. Instead, he stayed and fight. Ang lahat ng mga naabutan mo rito, nagtulungan sa kabila ng takot at kawalan. What you're doing, I would hate to call that selfishness. Dahil normal ang kagustuhang gumanti. That's why this past few days while waiting for you, I've been trying to understand your reasons. To avenge is a part of being human. Pero ang hindi normal, ang hindi na makatao, ay iyong mananagasa ka ng iba para lang makaganti."

"Cinaris-"

"Who knows? Maybe pain only ends when you're dead. But it stays and lives with you while you're alive. May mga araw na bigla na lang bubuhos ang sakit, gaya ng ulan. May mga araw ding bibisita lang siya at magpapaalala. And because pain is with you, there are days when you'd feel like you've become so used to it like it's a part of you. May mga araw na gigisingin ka na lang ng sakit. Pero may mga araw din na ngingiti ka uli nang totoo sa puso mo dahil nakakayanan mo na sa kabila ng sakit. Trust me, I've been there. At minsan, malilimutan mong masakit pa pala, malilimutan ng puso mong nasasaktan ka. That's when pain becomes a blessing; each time that you forget about it.

"Your subconscious may know that it's there to keep you strong, you may have a patch in your heart. But your heart will have a new drive to be happy again. That's when you know that you're on the road to recovery, to healing. Pero hindi mo mare-realize ang lahat ng 'yon hangga't may iba kang gustong mangyari. Nandito ako, Nickolai. Nandito kaming lahat para sa 'yo. But you won't see that, would you?" Napailing si Cinaris. "Because you're too blinded by your wrath. Huwag ka nang magtaka kung isang araw, nawala na ang mga taong 'yon sa 'yo. People have their own issues, too. They can't wait forever for you to heal."

"Including you?"

Sa pagkakataong iyon ay si Cinaris naman ang hindi nakasagot. She just looked at him for a long time before she walked away again while carrying the pieces of his shattered heart in her hands.