Falling For Him✅

Ch 54 : I Was A Jerk

Maria's POV

I can recall the drunken feeling of falling in love. Every word on his tongue was the most interesting thing I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t wait to have him alone, as often as possible. I would daydream about him constantly, mentally selecting the home we would share, the names of our pretend children and pets, the mundane activities we would do. I would fold his socks, he’d clean my hair from the shower drain.

"so what did he say?" Nia asked parking her car in the basement.

"how do you know?" my eyes shot up to her.

"well, he told me that he wanted to meet you... So I gave him the location... Umm... Sorry I didn't inform you"

"what can I say? People do everything behind my back... Always"

"Maria" she looked at me with her infatuating eyes.

"it's ok... I'm tired. Let's get in "

"sure"
  
             ********************

Ours was a love that felt so sacred and intense. I made some very serious sacrifices to pursue my relationship with him, believing he was a rare prize that deserved such sacrifices. I worked tirelessly to deepen our connection. I read books about love and commitment, with dog eared pages and notes written in the margins. I frequently Googled our perceived issues, putting into practice the advice I read. I used the learned vocabulary from years of therapy. I put a lot of intention into my commitment.

Things I once found so charming and endearing became extreme annoyances. His misuse of common words. His podcast addiction. His addiction in general. Ignoring responsibilities to spend yet another night searching for reasons to work.  I know he felt the same about me. The traits we once held in such high regard were becoming the little termites in the foundation of our love.
We tearfully, angrily, pitifully agreed we couldn’t course-correct our relationship. It had died.

The breakup felt like a little death. The range of emotions went from extreme sadness to liberating relief to violent anger. I felt each of them several times throughout the day, struggling to function at work and in life. Just satisfying my basic needs to bathe, to eat, to speak in coherent sentences became very lofty goals.

I miss him immensely. Every song reminds me of him, sometimes so strongly that I feel compelled to reach out and share this little memory of our love with him. I miss the sound of him breathing next to me when he slept. I miss the smell of his t-shirts, which I’d carefully pick up from the wardrobe and recycle into my nightgown when he wasn't around.

And now when he is no longer mine, these t-shirts became more precious than oxygen. Though they lost his scent with the passing of days, my grief only intensified.

Sometimes I lay awake and remember the other things I lost. My feeling of home. The coffee he made sometimes in the morning, carefully placing it on the bedside table as he leaned in to kiss me goodbye, caring nothing about my teeth who hadn’t yet touched a toothbrush.  Our shoes congregated by the front door, laces overlapping as if to hold hands, enjoying each other's company. Facing our clothes towards each other in the closet so they always seemed to be moving closer together. Lazy Friday mornings on the couch, my feet in his lap which he wouldn't mind though he acted as he did. Our electric toothbrush heads side by side on the bathroom counter.

We shared a home and a life and immeasurable love, and I lost all of those things in one fell swoop.

Suddenly I felt like a ship with no anchor, drifting aimlessly at sea without purpose or direction, just waiting to be capsized.

Despite the love we shared, our relationship had run its course. My world felt as if it imploded, leaving me trapped beneath the rubble. There were so many moments where I looked into his eyes, desperately searching for the familiar tenderness he once had for me, but only found emptiness. Even days after we parted, the longing hadn’t subsided.