One Tail at a Time

Torn

Its a new day and normally my eyes would be bugging like a grasshopper right now, but Im keeping my eyes closed.  Shifu doesnt know I silently cried myself to sleep because Im so worried about Zhen Zhen.  I really wish he would just tell me whats happening with him, and why he wants to find him so bad.  I might be just a little Xiaobai, but I know something is wrong.  After all, Mama, Papa and my three older brothers were placed on the punishment rock so I know deep down that Zhen Zhen will be placed there too.  This is why I wont tell Shifu where our playhouse is.

Its hurtful to my heart because I really like Shifu.  He is kind and gentle with me, and even if I did something as terrible as Mama and Papa, I know he wouldn't put little me on that rock.  He is even keeping me safe here on this mountain because I heard Donghua say that I would not be treated kindly in the Palace where they are still healing, so I also understand this is why Mama hasn't come for me yet and why Shifu is being so kind to me.

And thats why I wont open my eyes.  Because I feel torn.  I want my brother to be safe and not punished, but I want to please Shifu.  Zhen Zhen said if I receive a kindness, then I should always return it.  And I have been here for two and a half months now, Shifu even bought me new toys along with new dresses and he gives the best cuddles in the world, so I should be very grateful and pay him back.

Since that day Shifu asked me to help him find Zhen Zhen, I have been avoiding all attempts by him to ask again.  He asks every day for my help and each time I tell him I know nothing.  But I know he doesnt believe me so he keeps asking.  Its becoming harder and harder to say no because yesterday, he even bought a new dress for Mingzhu and she looks even prettier than before.

Now I can hear Shifu coming to get me out of bed.  I think he knows Im awake, because he is humming softly while he draws back the curtains and opens the window to let the sunshine in.  I can also hear Chang Shan placing my breakfast on the side table before quietly leaving, and its when my nose twitches at the heavenly aroma, that Shifu finally reaches down to pick me up.

"Xiaobai, I know you're awake." he says as he plonks me down on his lap to feed me.

As much as I hate being treated like a baby, I like it when Shifu feeds me, I feel special, because he doesnt feed anyone else, so my mouth opens to a spoonful of porridge that Chang Shan has flavoured with butter and sweetener again.

I eat my breakfast silently, and Shifu says nothing too, but I know the moment Im finished, hes going to ask about Zhen Zhen again.  It seems to be super urgent to find him now, because Shifu started off slowly with the questions, now he is asking me many times a day and no sooner am I finished then Shifu immediately starts again with the questioning.

"Xiaobai, are you sure you don't know where your brother is hiding, because we all know he didn't die." he says.  

After a long night of crying and thinking and more crying, I made a promise to myself that I would be brave and just ask him my questions that I hd been too afraid to ask before I told him anything.

"Shifu.  Zhen Zhen is in big trouble isn't he?" 

"Yes he is." Shifu finally answers me truthfully which has all my other questions tumbling out of my mouth in a rush.

"Will he be punished like Mama and Papa?  Will he die?  What if I refuse to help you, will you punish me too?  Will you stop cuddling me?  Will you kick me out?"

Those are my most urgent questions and I wont help Shifu until he answers all of them, so I wait as he thinks about how best to answer.

"Firstly, yes he will be punished like your parents, and no he will not die." he says which makes me breathe a sigh of relief.  "As for you being punished, then of course not, you are my little Xiaobai, so I cannot allow anyone to hurt you, and nor will I stop cuddling you.  So that means I wont kick you out either." he says with the biggest smile on his face that makes me want to believe him.