One Tail at a Time

Happiness

I wish to forfeit my right to marriage father.  I want to dedicate my life to serving the realms and maintaining the peace." I inform him with every ounce of sincerity in my body having just declined a marriage to a woman he had deemed suited to me.  One that I did like but was not willing to marry so in order to put an end to any more marriage propositions, I flatly planted my feet on the floor before him and bowed my head in refusal.

"You wish to remain a monk for the rest of your life?" he asked incredulously.

"That is correct.  I do not want this marriage or any other.  I wish to remain celibate for the rest of my life."

My father stood before me saying nothing for some time, while I kept my head down.  I know he is disappointed in me having wanted an heir to carry on the lineage, but there are others more suited to the role of husband and father than I, even if he doesn't understand my reasoning.  But eventually, he does speak and with it comes words of wisdom tempered in sadness, because I guess, he too had to live so long without his mate.  No doubt he is seeing a lonely road ahead of me, but I am stubborn in my righteous thoughts, so I do not allow my thoughts to dwell on the possibility of losing a companion later in life, not when I there is enough heartache in the world without adding to it.

"Then all I can say, is cherish each of your happinesses Mo Yuan, because even though they are fleeting much of the time, the emotions they bring, remains a constant reminder that you had once known it." he says softly before laying his hand on my shoulder.

"Yes father."

That was a conversation I'd had with my father a very long time ago when I thought I did not need a companion to know happiness.  Back then I had been so young and adamant that I could live a solitary life while keeping busy by filling my days with my students, world affairs, and all manner hobbies that I had been interested in at the time.  It was also not long before my father passed away and leaving me in charge of Kunlun Mountain which I took to with a passion.

Only it is now that I can look back and see how sad he must have been having known happiness only to lose it.  The fleetingness of it was in the little things for him, because he chose not to remarry.  His love for my mother was eternal and binding so it must have come as a great shock to learn that I would willingly place myself in the same situation while not really understanding just how lacking my life would become.

And this is something I am only realizing now as I make my way to the fox den to formally request a marriage alliance with Qing Qiu.  The small happinesses I had known over the years, come nowhere close to the flutters in my belly for what I am about to do.  But what I do realize, is though I had known the kind of happiness my father had alluded to, the kind of happiness I am feeling now is the one he had sadly allowed me to forego while hoping that in time, I fate would see otherwise. 

This was the kind of father he was.  He allowed me to make my own important life decisions safe in the knowledge that I would learn a harsh lesson if it wasn't the right one, only now as I am greeted by her father, do I wish that he was here with me to witness the greatest happiness I have ever known.

I do not care for her mothers scowl, or Bai Zhis attempt to keep our meeting orderly and polite.  If anything, I am finding our meeting somewhat predictable, though I had hoped for a little fight with her mother, but other than a short spiteful attempt to put me on the back foot, it really went exactly as I knew it would. 

They are in no position to deny me anyway.  My visit is merely a courtesy and out of respect to them both as well as Xiaobai though I do have to mention my gift to her parents.  I could not help myself.  It is a brush and ink set created by Liang when he had been in mortal form during our shared trial.   I know her mother had hoped she would marry him having liked him from the beginning.