The state that I'm in. (BEING EDITED)

Decisions

Seeing him I knew I didn’t need to decide. The answer was there all along. I would be with him if he wanted me. I couldn’t even contemplate not being with him if he had decided he wanted to be with me. Looking into his eyes, those divine emerald green eyes and at his face, his enigmatic pained expression I was not doubtful. I was certain that I could do anything for him. So his life was complicated and he came with baggage, heavy baggage, but who didn’t?

Like Winterson’s book I read so many times…Gambling is not a vice, it is an expression of our humanness. We gamble. Some do it at the gaming table, some do not. You play, you win, you play, you lose, you play. I was willing to play and gamble for him, not at the gaming table but in life. I didn’t care if I lost but I would definitely play. Harry hadn’t opened up to anyone for over a year and he decided he wanted to be with me. He saw something in me and I saw something in him. The least I could do was give this a try.

I had no idea where this would lead us but I knew it would be hard. I also knew that there would be some great moments and some dark ones but I couldn’t just give up.

“Val?” Rose asked …”Are you OK?”

I then realized I had been staring at Harry for quite some time holding Rose’s beer.

“Yeah…I’m fine.” I replied through the loud deafening music handing her the beer.

Harry hadn’t said a word. He was staring at me, too. I could sense that he was worried, nervous even…his eyes never left mine. His eyes penetrating my soul searching for an answer, waiting to see if I had reached a verdict, if I wanted him to be there.

I could stay away no longer. I went straight towards him, my hands grabbed his shirt in a playful manner pulling him close to me and I kissed him. I kissed him and all the emotions of the day were evident in that long steamy kiss. His hands were around my waist pulling me closer, occasionally caressing my hair or cupping my face. I could feel both our need in this kiss that sealed some sort of deal. I finally pulled back for breath and he was smiling at me…a huge grin on his face. I smiled back looking at him drinking him in, his gorgeous face staring back.

“Is this your answer? Are you sure?” he asked the smile never leaving his face.

“I’m sure I can’t let you go”, I said in complete honesty. “As for the rest, we will figure it out on the way.”

“Thanks for giving us a chance, for giving me a chance. I won’t let you down.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep Harry” I replied and he froze.

The loud music and the crowd made it difficult for us to talk. I let go of him and gave him a reassuring smile before I explained that I had to get back to work and I would see him later. Rose would be his company for the night and he nodded.

“I’ll see you later beautiful” he said before he too let go of me and I turned back to my work.

The rest of the night was filled with drink orders, clearing tables, getting Dan some stuff from the storage room and watching Harry from afar. A group of girls approached him dancing next to him, obviously hitting on him but he ignored them completely. His burning gaze was constantly on me. One of the girls went so far as to sit on his lap uninvited but he gently pushed her off. He leaned in her ear to tell her something and in a moment she was gone. Rose was laughing hysterically with the whole situation and I was amused by the whole thing, too. I didn’t feel jealous or anything. I felt amused…a feeling of certainty that they couldn’t share what we shared only moments ago.

When my shift ended and the club was finally closing down it was already 4 in the morning…Harry was still there waiting for me. Rose on the other hand had already left.