Every Reason Why

ERW39

Trigger Warning: Disturbing words

Please skip this chapter (or at least, the latter part) if you're not mentally prepared. Read at your own risk. Thank you!

xxx

ERW39

You cannot be happy every day. You cannot always be fine. I guess, I somehow believed that I have been in pain for too long so I was given a long shot of serene every day. I forgot that it can't always be like that...

I just can't help but think... happiness is so dangerous.

"Ayos ka lang ba talaga?"

Unti-unti kong inalis mula sa bintana ang tingin ko at inilipat iyon kay Allen na na sumusulyap-sulyap saakin habang nagmamaneho.

"Yup..."

"You turned really quiet when I came back. May nangyari ba?"

Umiling ako sa kanya. "I suddenly felt tired."

Tumango siya saakin ngunit hindi pa rin naalis ang pagtataka sa kanyang mukha. Ilang minuto bago makaalis si Theo ay saka pa lang siya bumalik. He's not aware of everything that had happened and I refused to let him know about that.

Sinubukan kong maging maayos sa paligid niya. Kumain ako kahit wala akong gana at kahit punong-puno ng tanong ang utak ko at tila may nakadagang malaking bato sa puso ko. I guess, I failed again since he still noticed.

"Then rest and stop thinking."

Nagulat ako dahil sa kanyang sinabi. Hindi nagtagal ay napangiti ako. I wasn't expecting it. Umiwas ako ng tingin at binalik na lang ang mata ko sa daan. I don't wanna close my eyes... I know what can flash in my memory if I did.

I know how treacherous my mind is to me.

Tahimik lang kaming dalawa hanggang sa dumating na kami sa bahay. Huminga ako ng malalim at tinanggal ang seatbelt ko.

"Thank you, Allen..." I said without looking at him.

Bumaba ako ng kanyang sasakyan at naglakad papalabas upang pumasok sa bahay. I heard Allen's car door opened but I didn't look back.

"Sey..."

Huminga ako ng malalim at bahagyang umikot.

"I'm sorry for killing the fun..."

I tried to smile before I turned my back on him again. Narinig ko pa ulit ang tawag niya ngunit wala akong lakas para pansinin pa iyon. I walked inside the house. Binati ako ng nakakasalubong kong kasambahay ngunit dire-diretso lang akong naglalakad na.

Mabilis akong umakyat sa second floor. My head is spinning so bad because of the overflowing thoughts in my mind. Para akong nauubusan ng hangin dahil parang nakapaligid sa katawan ko na mismong pumipigil saakin para makahinga ng maluwag.

Nanginginig ang kamay ko noong sa wakas ay nahawakan ko ang doorknob ng aking pinto. I immediately opened it and locked the door. Agad akong tumakbo papunta sa aking kama at sinobsob ang ulo ko sa unan.

"Stop... stop... stop!"

Mabilis ang paghinga ko habang pilit kong sinasapok ng nakakuyom kong kamao ang aking ulo. I felt my tears streaming down on my face. Here I am again... in the dark place where I thought I was already freed from.

Tumihaya ako ng higa at pinakiramdaman ang sariling init ng aking luha na tumutulo sa aking pisngi. I raised my hand in the air, feeling the warmth of Theo's hand, the way he squeezed it, and lastly, the coldness when he slipped away to chase for her.