Hold My Hand - Lashton

Chapter Twenty-two

Chapter Twenty-two

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Just before Luke left for Christmas holiday, the blonde had scanned some job sites for any temporary jobs that were available in his home town. He didn't need a job, but after hearing all about Ashton's three jobs and the experince it entailed, the blonde too wanted to increase his future employability skills.

"You're not stuck for money are you?" Liz asked when she heard that Luke had got a job as a waiter at a nearby local pub. She had never even conceived of the idea of her youngest son getting a job, even if he did struggle at university.

Whilst he got a relatively high student loan, both his parents did not mind helping out financially if he ever needed the help. But, they knew he wasn't a wasteful person. He rarely spends his money unless it was on something he needed. His mother often wondered if his retention of money was linked to anxiety; if he suffered spenders guilt.

Luke shook his head and quickly ate his porridge, worried he be late for his bus. He had two hours till his shift began but the blonde still had not decided whether it was better to be too early or just on time. So he was still going for too early. "I just wanted to earn my own money," Luke explained. "And get some experience." It was also in some implicit way to impress Ashton.

Liz smiled at her youngest son, content that he was looking ahead into the future. She knew he didn't have the confidence to hold a conversation, it was always forced. And whilst she worried this job was going to be hard for him, she hoped it would help him see that people didn't care what he looks like or does. The strangers he serves will soon forget him; unless he spilt a drink on them.

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After two weeks of swerving through work and essay deadlines, Christmas day had arrived and Luke still couldn't rest.

Both of his brothers had arrived home the previous evening and were staying for a week. Everything Luke had repressed over the past fortnight was now coming flooding back to him.

As Luke sat on the sofa watching some Christmas film he didn't care about he stared at a spot on the old carpet that he had walked and fell over on as a toddler.

Unconsciously Luke found his hand resting upon his stomach and he suddenly became hyper-aware of his body. He had been so busy it was like he had forgotten it existed. It seemed to him that he was just a mind, a state of consciousness. Luke didn't know whether he took a dualist stance or not, but his mind and body did seem seperate at present. Or his mind was play tricks on him.

Luke could feel his breath rising and falling quickly. His fingertips were aware of the slight roundness to his stomach. A roundness that he knew didn't exist two weeks ago. Panic was building in the blonde's body, his muscles were becoming tight and his head dizzy.

He didn't want to do this here though, not in front of his brothers. They wouldn't understand. Luke frantically stood up and fumbled into the kitchen. The air was hot and mingled with scents from the Christmas dinner that was being prepared; ready to be served any minute now. The extractor fan was whirring away, painfully distorting the radio that was blaring.

Luke stepped back and turned towards the stairs. His parents didn't see him, they had their backs facing him. He hurried up the stairs, holding on tightly to the bannister in fear of falling and causing a scene. He made it safely to his room and accidentally slammed the door. Luke dived onto his bed and buried his face into the sheets.

He let his mind roam free and his body tremble. He let all of the thoughts from the past two weeks out into the open. He realised them and then reacted.

The nineteen-year-old thought about every meal he could remember eating, every snack he had happily took off of his mother. He knew she was worried and was trying to help him nourish himself back to health, and both knew they had succeeded.

Luke didn't know how much weight he had gained, but he knew he was eating in surplus and he felt he had surpassed all records. He didn't quite understand weight as a measurement, it was never something he had ever done and only ever made speculations. He didn't know any of the numbers of the past couple of months but he felt different under the touch of his fingers and assumed that he was the same as when he left. His mother knew he wasn't, but she was also more aware than her son and knew that there was a range rather than one set figure and as long as he was among that range she didn't mind.

Luke ran his fingers over his ribs, he could still feel them, but he didn't focus on that. Instead, he focused on the thin, soft skin he could pinch.

His hand roamed down his chest and he slipped them under his pants. He ran his finger over his bone and sighed. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. Quickly he sat up and wiped his eyes. He wasn't crying but they were damp.

Taking a deep breath Luke let his mind focus on his mother. How at ease she seemed now that she knew that he okay; that his weight loss was in fact due to poor management of time, and lack of cooking skills. Luke wanted to believe that too, and he let his mind linger on that thought for a while.

He decided that it was true. He decided that he didn't want to lose weight, it just happened and he liked it. Luke decided that it all happened because he was scared. Scared of spending too long in the kitchen, getting in the way of his other flatmates and worried that he wasn't spending enough time doing his work.

Luke forced himself to believe something that wasn't quite true and then decided that in case that fear came back again next term, he would let himself eat what his mother gave him. But only what his mother gave him, he couldn't choose anything for himself, or from other people. He knew that she knew best. And if he did fall back down next term, he would be able to survive off of the weight he accumulated over the past month.

It wasn't a surprise that his mind then trailed often to Ashton. He began to wonder what Ashton would think when they met each other again, probably awkwardly standing opposite each other in the corridor. Would he mention the physical change? He knew how intrusive the curly-haired boy could be. But he also knew Ashton had never mentioned his body before, not explicitly anyway.

Luke groaned and stood up. He decided that he didn't want to be alone with his thoughts any longer before they changed their mind. He realised that maybe being busy was a good thing, it kept him sane and healthy. Of course, he didn't yet realise that was the opposite of what it was doing, but the blonde was more of an I'll cross that path when I get there person.

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I promise some more intimate Lashton content is coming!

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