Hold My Hand - Lashton

Chapter Forty-two

Chapter Forty-two

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There was some relief from telling his mother what he was struggling with. But, with that relief came a few feeling. A feeling of suffocation. She was always there. Watching him. Asking him how he was. And he knew she wanted him to stay in front of her eyes, she didn't want him to go back to university where he could easily spiral back into turmoil.

She had expressed it verbally to him yet. But, Luke knew. She was leaving subtle hints here and there. Like he left hints with his books that he was gay. She was being just as sneaky as he was. Luke thought maybe he deserved it. He had caused everyone else to worry and suffer from the ambiguity and distance he created, why shouldn't he feel the same? It would be a lesson learnt. He would always tell his mother when something was going on.

But, at the same time, he felt like he had a right to some privacy. Privacy of the mind at least. But, Luke knew society was never going to grant that. Society only granted that sort of freedom to people in authority, and even that came in droplets.

His mother was a woman and working citizens, she barely had any authoritative freedom herself. But she was a parent and mother and to feel like a powerful figure she was going to exploit that power so everything remained in control. And that meant deciding what her son did.

And where was Luke's power? Teenagers or young adults are entitled to any. Whatever power they feel they have is an illusion. Ashton loving Luke, or Luke loving Ashton was what Ashton just called a result of society thinking it was right to meet your partner at university.

So they did it, conformed to cliches, and knew they would probably hate each other a few months down the line.

"I could never hate you," Luke mumbled as he watched Ashton pack up his stuff to go home. Watching him carelessly fling necessary books and clothes into his suitcase. Luke wanted to organise it nicely for him, to make everything fit and easy to find. But he didn't like to ask so just sat on the edge of the older boys bed trying not to look at the mess.

Ashton laughed and looked over at the blonde. "I don't think you know what hate means. You have yet to hate something or dislike something strongly. I guess I'll fall victim to that. Your definition of hate will be Ashton Irwin!" he joked seriously, motioning his hands causing Luke to laugh.

"I think it'd only be temporary hate," Luke thought. "Because I'd know that we weren't right. And you've done so much for me."

Ashton didn't want to fight. It was their last couple of hours together so he just nodded at the blonde's ignorance. He knew that it was almost impossible to like or be friends with an ex, there was always something that drove you crazy. Maybe the same thing you loved so much about them. However, his mind was different from Luke, and maybe he wondered if his parents tried to condition him to not hate anything. It seemed he was incapable of hate. Luke didn't even hate his body, there was still some gratitude towards it.

Sighing, Ashton sat down beside the blonde and took his hand, squeezing it tightly. "You'll not think of me when someone holds your hand. Holding hands will also mean Ashton."

Luke smiled and looked down at their hands. "I wish you'd stop talking like that. You don't know that. Maybe we will last forever."

"I think we will last forever Luke. I don't think our love will ever burn out. But sometimes other feelings get in the way."

"We don't have to let them. If we truly love each other then- Have you found someone already?"

"Huh?" Ashton asked, finally looking up and meeting the blonde's eyes. He was growing more sombre as the minutes past. He knew as soon as he returned home he'd be in a depressive state. Leaving university and Luke often did that.

"Are you seeing someone else? Are you just dropping hints to make me realise?" Luke questioned, not failing to meet Ashton's gaze. He wasn't good at eye contact but he wanted answers.

"I don't want to see anyone else. All I'm saying is our feelings are spontaneous. We think we're in control but before we know it we are doing the complete opposite. We don't even have power over our own emotions Luke."

-

Luke lost control of his emotions five days after than conversation.

"What's that?" Luke asked, looking at an easter egg on the table with a note on top.

Liz shrugged, a slight smile on her face. "A gift I imagine."

"For me?"

"You're the only one who's willing to suffer whilst eating vegan chocolate!"

Luke laughed and hurried to the table. A huge grin covering his face. He knew would it was from. It was the only possibility.

Running his fingers down the box, he let them rest on the envelope before staring at the writing. He'd never seen Ashton's writing, but it mirrored his personality. Chaotic and rushed, but with an attempt to be tidy and controlled.

Luke opened the envelope to find a card, and inside another envelope. Luke's heart buzzed with excitement. It felt as if Ashton was flirting with him. He scanned over the words a couple of times. He couldn't work out the meaning of them.

Liz watched her sons excitement cloud over with slight confusion. "What does it say sweetheart?" she asked, almost as excited as he was.

"It says to hold the egg. I don't understand."

"Well, there's another letter. Maybe hold the egg and take a look at that," she suggested, thinking it was a sweet puzzle.

But, Luke didn't like it. Ashton knew he hated suspense and ambiguity. He wouldn't do this if he was trying to be cute. Nonetheless, Luke opened the box and took out the egg. He gave it a little shake. It was hollow and empty. Like every other easter egg.

With the egg in one hand, he awkwardly opened the next envelope that held a little note.

Luke squeezed his eyes shut and hurtled the egg towards the wall, it smashing into little chocolate pieces. Some leaving marks against the wall, and others on the floor.

Liz stared at him shocked, quickly rushing over and taking the note out of his hand. She read it: Maybe I don't need to hold your hand anymore Luke. I need to let you go. - Ashton.

-

I don't even know what to say at this point. 

How is everyone? What's one thing you're looking forward to this week? I'm going home for a week and I'm looking forward to just being able to not worry about by housemates.

Please comment what you think.

Thank you so much for reading.