Hold My Hand - Lashton

Chapter Forty-six

Chapter Forty-six

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The silence was consuming the pair. Besides the running the tap, both boys felt as if all air was being sucked out of the room. Their palms were sweaty and their hearts beating. Their emotions were still in sync. They hadn't fallen out of love yet. Their hearts ached instead of blissful butterflies.

Luke turned off the tap and quickly dried his hands. He pulled the door open and Ashton finally chose to speak. "Luke?" he called. His voice quiet and wavering. He was nervous. Not an excited and hopeful nervous like before. But a dangerous and destructive nervous. Luke knew he was going to say something he did not want to hear.

Luke turned his head and stood in between the wall and the door. An easy escape route. He could have pretended to have not heard, but he wanted to hear what Ashton had to say. He wanted Ashton to finally crush him. He wanted to mope and cry, but Ashton was being nice and considerate and he felt he didn't deserve to be upset. That there was nothing to be upset about. He was now craving Ashton to give him something to destroy himself with.

"Can I ask you something?" Ashton continued, scratching his head awkwardly. His head was thumping as if his heart had travelled through his throat and into his brain. He wondered if his heart was his brain because he wished he could control his feelings. He wished he could be rational and just leave the poor boy alone. He tortured him enough. But Ashton needed to be accepted. He thrived off other peoples approval. He needed a boost of confidence.

Luke nodded shyly. Not once raising his head. His mind was too chaotic to even process that it was respectful to look at someone when they were talking. But Luke didn't even know if Ashton deserved respect from him? Luke didn't know how he was supposed to react after a breakup. These were new and confusing feelings. He felt that he should be more upset. But he also felt that he should just get on with his life because they were not even together.

Ashton took a deep breath and admitted. "I've been talking to someone."

"Right," Luke whispered, his face beginning to burn. He didn't know if it was rage, embarrassment or nerves. The words played over in his head. Ashton had been talking to someone. Someone who wasn't him. Was he jealous? Jealous that someone got to hear Ashton's kind and considerate words? Or was he jealous that someone could talk to Ashton better than he could? Someone who could talk dirty and confidently. Luke could not give Ashton that.

"And I'd like to ask her out," the older boy confessed. It had only been two weeks since they had been back. Just over a month since Ashton sent the letter. He didn't know if it was too soon. How bad it would affect the younger boy. But Ashton had ended things with Luke because he wanted to be free and live his life. And if didn't fulfil that, there was not much purpose in hurting the blonde. It would have just been malicious. So he needed to do this.

"Right."

"So is that a yes?" Ashton asked hesitantly. He hoped Luke would want this too. A definite end to their intimate friendship. A step back to being acquaintances who could simply ask each other how their day was, then go off into the privacy of their rooms and live their own life.

Luke shrugged. It wasn't a yes, but what could he do?. It proved Ashton was no longer interested. And he knew there was nothing he could do. He wasn't going to beg and cry for Ashton back. He knew that wasn't any good for either of them. He was just going to have to grin and bear it.

Instead Luke asked. "Her?"

Ashton hummed in agreement. "You won't know her. We met at a club. She's older."

"Older," Luke sighed. Luke was insignificant. He wondered if that was the issue. Was he too young for Ashton? Was he too young, naive and immature? But Ashton had told him countless times he liked his innocence, it made him unique. He found himself asking. "Was I too young for you?"

Quickly standing up, the chair dragging painfully across the floor, his head shaking frantically. "No, Luke. You're inexperienced but no one is ever at the same stage in their love life when they enter a relationship."

Nodding the blonde looked down, trying to fight back tears. "Do you love her?" he whispered. He didn't know why he asked. He wasn't jealous. But, he didn't want to share Ashton's love with anyone else.

Ashton sighed and looked up at the ceiling. He knew Luke had a right to ask questions, but they were such deep and complicated questions. "We're just talking Luke."

"But will you love her?" he pressed, growing more and more agitated by the minute. He couldn't understand why Ashton couldn't answer the question with a simple binary answer.

Shrugging Ashton confessed. "I don't know Luke. You never know who you will love, do you? But I don't intend to, if that's what you are asking."

Luke bit his lip and gulped. "Then why go out with her then. Why go out with someone you don't want to be in love with."

Taking a step closer to the blonde, wanting to take hold of his hands to try and give reassurance, Ashton then retracted knowing it would only confuse the younger boy even more. "There are different types of love. There's the love I feel for my family. And there's eros or ludus, the more sexual and playful love. The just for fun love, and it's not really real love. It's just temporary and passes the time."

"But our time is limited. Why mess around?"

"Because what I regret not messing around? If I don't mess around I don't know what I'm missing out on."

Closing his eyes, Luke took a deep breath. He didn't understand why if Ashton confessed he loved him, why would he search for a lesser love when he could have all of him when the right time came.

"What if I had given you eros?" the blonde asked, finally looking up to meet his eyes. Letting Ashton know that he still wanted to be with him, and would do anything.

"I don't want eros from you, Luke. You can't give me eros. Why are we speaking in Greek?" Ashton laughed awkwardly.

The younger boy was beginning to grow angry again. He wanted to be considerate. He wanted to allow Ashton to date whomever he wanted. But he couldn't. He could not understand why he couldn't be with him.

Not wanting to do anything he would regret, Luke stepped to his right and let the door close between them both.

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I wrote this at late o'clock so sorry if there are any mistakes ... and no this chapter was not a mistake!

I hope you are all doing okay and staying safe.

Please comment what you think.

Thank you so much for reading.