Hold My Hand - Lashton

Chapter Thirty-five

Chapter Thirty-five

-

Ashton could feel his body shaking with energy. He was manic today. He wanted to poke and prod at every conversation he heard. His mind held no filter. He was dangerous and invasive - not want Luke wanted.

As the curly-haired boy barged into the kitchen, in mid-song and swinging his lanyard that held his key from side to side every inch of energy and bravery Luke held was drawn from the blonde. Ashton stole it all.

Luke could tell Ashton was at an extreme today. He often did well with containing his mania, but the older boy was scattery and unstable on his feet.

"Good evening!" the older boy beamed, sitting right next to the blonde without any consent. Luke put his spoon down and responded with the same two words - with less enthusiasm and volume.

"Soup?" the curly-haired boy asked, unaware of the discomfort he was causing. "I told you not to eat soup!"

"You told me not eat it every day," Luke muttered, trying to think of an exit plan. It was wrong that they were still so afraid of one another despite being in a relationship - it was unhealthy.

"But you should be eating something more. You're too skinny Luke!" Luke's eyes widened in shock. Never had Ashton explicitly told Luke that his body wasn't right. He'd implicitly suggested he had lost or gained weight but it was painful and uncomfortable to hear Ashton utter those words. He didn't want to hear them - they were offensive.

"I don't understand everyone's concern? I'm not even that skinny Ashton, there are people a lot worse than me," Luke suddenly blurted out, pushing his soup away from him, and allowing his hand to rest firmly on his stomach. It hadn't changed (it was perhaps slightly more nourished), but it remained just as flat.

Ashton hummed, not wanting to perpetuate anything but at the same time knowing Luke wasn't quite seeing the true picture and he didn't have the patience today to be so considerate. "Sometimes you can be unhealthy even if you look healthy. You remember what the doctor said - you're a healthy weight but still malnourished."

"You look healthy," Luke diverted the conversation away from himself.

Ashton shrugged. "I eat what my body requires. I could be kinder to it!"

"I always thought you would have had abs," Luke remarked, recalling the older boys shirtless body.

Chuckling Ashton apologised. "Sorry to disappoint! I used to work out when I was at school but I stopped when I came here. I don't know why exercise does make me feel better."

"I've always wanted to run," Luke admitted. "But I'm too scared of judgement."

"No one's going to judge you, Luke. If anything they're is envious that you have the will power to do so." Ashton knew that if he didn't continue to speak the direction of the conversation would be lost and he couldn't interrogate the blonde. Although his mind was scattered and spontaneous, he had his aim in mind. "But I'm going to judge you for eating soup."

Luke knew Ashton was going to be persistent, he could tell by the way he was jumping in his chair, and he knew that getting into a state of panic would do nothing - he was going to have to fight his own battle. "It's better than nothing," he retorted.

Ashton shrugged, pushing his room key in and out of the plastic holder, a repetitive clicking sound filling the room. "It's nothing different than you were doing before. You need something more. Let me make you something else?"

"I don't want anything else," Luke argued, he was satisfied with what he was consuming and he didn't see the problem. The day prior he was eating a high-calorie meal and didn't see the problem with returning to his old habits for one day.

"You need anything else. Please, Luke, we could get pizza?" he suggested. Luke shook his head and Ashton pouted. "I'm asking you on a date, Luke, I want to go on a pizza date with you - like before when we didn't argue," he explained.

Luke closed his eyes and shook his head, an action Ashton too familiar with. "Or we could order pizza and then watch a movie although I do have an essay due tomorrow so maybe you could watch the movie whilst I write my essay."

Luke sighed and looked over at his soup. It was cold. But Ashton was hot and tempting. He wanted to spend time with Luke, and Luke knew that none of this was Ashton's thought. He was nothing but kind and considerate and he could tell his patience was wearing thin.

"I guess we could do that. I could help you write your essay," Luke suggested biting his lip nervously.

Ashton let out a sigh of relief, peering at the soup. "You will eat, won't you?"

Luke nodded. "I am hungry, and sort of sick of soup."

Ashton grinned victoriously. He took the blonde's bowl and emptied the contents into the food waste bin, and then washed the bowl and spoon up. Luke watched him, watched how excited he was for something that should be mundane. He also admired how energetic Ashton was. Admittedly it was because of his mania, but the food was ultimately powering him on. He thought that maybe Ashton could starve himself, that would reduce his mania - but then it could evoke his depressive episodes.

"I'm sorry," Luke mumbled as Ashton pulled out his phone to find somewhere to order pizza. Ashton looked up puzzled. Luke didn't tell him why. But Luke knew that he could control and condition his disorder, but Ashton couldn't. It was always going to be there. And Luke suddenly felt guilty for potentially heightening his suffering. "I am going to change."

-

To all my POC readers and for those who want to be anti-racist. I'm still here. I removed my book because I wanted to publish it on a different account, where I write more politically and through a journalistic aspect. The gap between removing the book and re uploading it wasn't supposed to be this long. But as you'll probably know if you read these notes my life has been a bit of a mess recently and still have no WiFi!

But I'm still here and still so eager to learn. I stopped reading an essay for one of my courses to write this to add at the end of the chapter. The topic this week is feminism, but the author also is also subjected to racism.

And the anger and upset I've got from reading about sexism and my relation to it I wondered about the anger and upset POC still have with the arguable quietness of the BLM now. I have so many new injustices I want to talk about and what I have learnt about racism, and when I can I will write about them. But for now the best I can do is to read and listen, to still remain active (to some extent) in removing my inherent racism and I front those closest to me. And then I will write.