Hold My Hand - Lashton

Chapter Twenty-eight

Chapter Twenty-eight

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Ashton couldn't understand Luke. As much as he tried to grasp every aspect of the blondes life, something new would emerge out of nowhere and he would remain as puzzled as ever.

He thought Luke was okay. That he had a little glitch during the first term but had since learned the importance of taking care of his health. But three weeks had now passed since the holidays and the older boy could tell his physical health was deteriorating. And there was no mental correlation visible to explain why.

Ashton understood that Luke's mind was not permeable matter, but he did wish Luke could be more transparent with his thoughts and feelings. The curly-haired boy ensured he clearly shows when he was falling into a depressive episode, and verbally announces when his mania was getting the better of him. But, to Ashton, it was like Luke was void of all emotions.

Of course, Ashton could infer when Luke was in a state of panic or when he was deep in thought - his eyes fixated on one spot of the room, in complete silence. But when Luke didn't turn up for dinner or wasn't seen for a day, he didn't know what it meant.

It was like Luke had constructed this persona where every action he took was the norm for the blonde. If he ate dinner he was fine. If he skipped dinner he was fine. Likewise for going out in the evenings and every other activity. It was normal for Luke to do everything therefore no behaviour was suspicious.

Eventually, Ashton knew he should be suspicious of one binary of the behaviour. He knew he should find fault in the blonde not eating, or not leaving his room. That something was bothering the younger boy. But it had happened so many times that it was part of Luke's personality. He defined Luke by the boy sometimes didn't eat or speak because he didn't want to. And he was failing to recognise the danger in Luke establishing his personality around these traits.

It wasn't until Ashton was sat in his five p.m disorder's lecture that he began to piece together the puzzle pieces of Luke's personality. The third lecture of the term was about BDD, otherwise known as body dysmorphic disorder. At the top of his page after the lecture, Ashton had crossed out the original title and in capital letters wrote LUKE.

Ashton knew about Luke's anxiety and that he was often emotionally distressed and avoided social situations. But he didn't realise that could also be due to BDD. It was also evidently clear to Ashton that Luke found it difficult to experience joy like there was something always on his mind pestering him.

And it was becoming more and more prominent that Luke was, at this stage of his life, incapable of having a healthy relationship. Luke couldn't love or care for anyone because he was destroying himself. He would this destroy anyone who tried to be part of his life. He was already churning Ashton's mind to pieces.

Ashton was beginning to realise there would never be a possibility or avenue for a relationship with Luke unless he sought help. Otherwise, the relationship would end in emotional neglect and abuse.

For a while, the older boy thought about the flaw that Luke situated on the most - the minor flaw that no one else ever noticed. Ashton envisioned the blonde's body, scanning every inch of his body trying to find a flaw. Of course, he wasn't perfect, but there was little that was obvious.

His mind kept trailing back to Luke's stomach. It was always hidden. By loose jumpers, hugged knees or crossed arms. The impressive organ was always hidden from sight, unknown to the universe.

Rolling his eyes, Ashton felt silly that he hadn't seen the signs earlier. Despite trying to hide the area of the body, Luke was always fixated on his stomach. It was like he obsessed and worried about the flaw for hours every day.

It was like Luke was a pregnant woman, just in the absence of the stomach. His hands would always find their way to that part of the body. Either to smooth down his jumper, pull it away or to check if his stomach was still there. Just in case his deepest desire for it to be gone off came true - like there was suddenly a great big gap in the middle of him. He was only head and legs!

Ashton couldn't forget the blonde's posture as well. The slightly slouched shoulders and refusal to allow his back to bend. Luke couldn't do anything to enhance the size of his stomach. But it would always be done discreetly; quickly and quietly.

Ashton had watched his eyes scan the room. He never knew why but now it clicked. He was checking to ensure no one saw him inspect his flaw, he didn't want to draw attention to it. He didn't want to appear vain or to allow judgement from observers.

But Ashton cared too much. Ashton was almost obsessed with the blondes internal configurations that he knew them better than his own. Ashton was now judging.

What Ashton could not know was why Luke was like this. He understood anxiety could be a factor. He also knew that Luke had little OCD tendencies. But Ashton knew little about the blondes childhood. As the lecturer listed off causes, Ashton could make links but couldn't be certain.

Did Luke get bullied? Surely his parents weren't abusive? And he likes to be alone so it couldn't be that. And he did seem like the perfectionist but there appeared to be no act of competition.

Ashton floated through all possibilities and became more frustrated. He knew if he got to the root of the problem, he could pull up the anchor for the depths of the sea and bring Luke back on board - back to reality.

And once Luke was back to reality, the concept of a relationship was back on the table.

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I have no wifi in my new house for two weeks so I'm having to book library slots to do stuff which is quite annoying. I'd return home but I've got a job so I've got myself into a mess really.

Anyway I'm quiet happy with how this and the next chapter panned out and I think it will all start to come clear from now on. 

Please comment what you think.

Thank you so much for reading.