Hold My Hand - Lashton

Chapter Thirty-two

Chapter Thirty-two

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Ashton was tired. His body was heavy, his head numb. He spent the last week in such a frantic state of mania that he was now falling quickly into another depressive slump.

Just hours ago Luke and himself were sat in a taxi making their way back to their accommodation. Luke as silent and as contemplative as ever, Ashton desiring to fill every inch of silence with words of wisdom and encouragement to ensure there was no room for negative thoughts to permeate the mind.

Not only did he not want Luke to recoil and decide that he no longer wanted help. But he also knew that he was slowly fading from reality too, and Ashton knew that now was not the right time. His bipolar couldn't gauge the right time though.

Sat beside the blonde Ashton decided to permit the silence and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and welcomed the episode. He knew if he fought the numbing pressure it would only bury him deeper and we would have to fight harder and longer to bring himself back to a state of social

"Are you okay?" Luke spoke after the silence became too much of a burden. He didn't expect Ashton to be so quiet given the circumstance.

Ashton nodded lightly and smiled at the blonde. "I think I ought to be asking you that question!"

Luke laughed and looked down at the floor. The taxi was clean but there was some dried grass on the floor, most probably from their shoes. "You're human too, you know, Ashton?"

The older boy understood what Luke was saying. That he spent so much time caring for Luke that often he neglected himself - not intentionally like the blonde - but it had it's toll nonetheless. He closed his eyes to fight back tears.

Luke tilted his head and watched the curly-haired boy curiously with some concern. "Are you falling?" Luke asked. He didn't know how to address the situation, he'd only seen it once before and even then Ashton had locked himself in his room.

The word Luke used made Ashton feel safe. It wasn't technical and it wasn't something he had ever heard before. It was abstract, and he knew that in some way or another Luke understood a glimmer of his disorder. Ashton hummed in agreement, his voice too weak to speak. He didn't want to appear vulnerable in front of an already vulnerable boy. He just wanted to hold it together until he was in the safety of his room.

Luke didn't say anything else. He didn't know what to, and talking wasn't his best skill. Instead, he reached over and held Ashton's hand, letting his finger draw unique patterns into his skin, just like Ashton did to soothe him.

At that moment Ashton recognised the love and care Luke had for him. It wasn't just one way. Although not expressed most conventionally, the blonde did want to ensure Ashton's survival as well. Ashton smiled to himself and he knew he'd be okay soon.

The touch of his skin against the younger boys sent his mind spiralling back to a couple of hours prior when they were at the hospital, nonetheless still holding one another hand. For both reassurance and support.

During that time one of the doctors had walked in and noticed their intimate contact. He instantly assumed they were a couple and had told Ashton: "You need to tell your boyfriend to start taking care of himself."

Neither he nor Luke reacted. Ashton didn't know why Luke didn't say anything, he couldn't even observe any internal reaction being displayed on his face and it confused it more than anything. Ashton was too tired to explain their intricate and complex relation, he knew they weren't boyfriends but at this point, they seemed beyond the realm of friendship.

Dozing in and out of what the man was saying, Ashton couldn't get Luke's reaction out of his head. He expected disapproval and some form of panic, but he remained calm and collected.

And he was still laying in bed now, at midnight, staring at the darkness surrounding him, thinking about the concept of Luke and himself as a couple. His brain was aching and his eyes were heavy, he wanted to go into a week-long unconsciousness till this episode passed.

But the absurd concept of Luke being his boyfriend wouldn't leave his mind. It was sat hammering at his skill causing him to become more and more frustrated. He hated that people assumed things. He hated that holding hands couldn't just be interpreted as something friends do - what did it matter if he liked holding Luke's hand anyway? There were reasons beyond the love that he did it, it was helpful for them.

Insecurity began to erupt in the curly-haired boy's body. He wondered if this was Luke's anxiety was like. He'd never know. But there was this sudden dreadful feeling making his head spin and stomach churn. The notion that Luke now had the same idea in his head, that there was the potential that their actions towards each other were perceived as romantic.

Did Luke taking his hand in the taxi mean he approved the idea of being attributed the label boyfriend? He wanted it. Or was it simply a gesture of care. That he was holding his hand platonically and he wanted that care.

Ashton couldn't deny he felt in a state of bliss whenever he could feel the blonde's presence, his soft skin touching his own. And he wasn't just holding Luke's hand because he cared for him and wanted to guide him through this turmoil, but he also desired to be with him at unconventional hours of the day.

Confused and dreary, Ashton sat bolt upright and mechanically made his way around the room. Throwing on his pyjama bottoms, and picking up his room key. He didn't bother with his shirt. He found himself in the brightly lit hallway, in front of Luke's door. He knew he would be asleep, he was still weak, and couldn't afford to be dealing with such exhaustive and confusing emotions. But Ashton didn't care, he needed this game over with. He needed to know whether he'd be the winner or a loser.

Luke answered, quicker than usual. Still in his clothes from the day, blonde staining his favourite grey jumper. His hand still bandaged. Not waiting for an invitation, Ashton shoved his way into the room and placed his lips against the younger boys.

He heard Luke make a noise of surprise but he didn't oppose. Ashton dropped his key card and wrapped his arms around Luke, the blonde mirroring his actions. His hands cold against Ashton's bareback. He kissed back harder, with passion and relief. The uncertainty was over. They both truly knew one another's feelings for each other now.

After Luke stood back and let Ashton enter the room, no longer apologetic for any mess that was on his desk. Ashton sat down on the corner of the bed and smiled over at Luke. Luke smiled back. "I think we need each other, Luke."

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Not me doing so many things at once and then having an exisential crisis when I have two minutes to myself!

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please comment what you think.

Thank you so much for reading.