Hold My Hand - Lashton

Chapter Thirty-eight

Chapter Thirty-eight

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Sometimes Ashton needs to take a step back and dissect his own mind and feelings. He'd get so involved and overwhelmed by the workings of the blonde's brain, and trying to bring them to a sense of tranquilly that he'd forget to acknowledge his own feelings.

Ashton lay on his own bed, staring up at the ceiling, one hand resting on his chest and the other above his head - it was beginning to throb from the lack of blood flowing to it. This was the first time he had been in his own bed in a week. He was paying an extortionate amount of rent for a room he was scarcely in. Occasionally he'd rush in to grab a jumper if he got cold, but the room remained absent and garnered a stale scent.

Today he needed to be alone. And so did Luke. The tension was rising again, and they needed a moment of solitude to diffuse any irritation had built up. Ashton thought this was healthy. This was good and normal. No relation was perfect, and dispute and disagreement (in reasonable amounts) highlighted how neither was being controlled or manipulated by the other.

He understood that Luke and himself were some of the most complex people he was going to encounter. Their minds swirled around and around their bodies until they were tied up, their bodies restricted leaving them to face the harsh reality of their mental illness.

Before Luke, Ashton didn't recognise the importance of being alone with one's thoughts. Whilst he agreed that being alone was essential from time to time, he had also taught Luke the importance of socialising. A chance to let out those thoughts that were stimulated in that moment of loneliness. It was all about balance, something which both boys had yet to master. But they were growing closer.

Ashton's mind was suddenly overcome with a clear and distinct image of the small bookmark Luke threw carelessly on the floor or into the book when he was reading. It was a quote from Milton - someone whom Ashton was not familiar with - and he thought it summed up Luke's view perfectly: Solitude is sometimes best society.

If Luke had his way Ashton knew he would be alone forever. Maybe he'd destroy the rest of the population and wander the planet alone. He didn't know what the blonde was capable of. But he knew that he was capable of being alone for dangerously too long, so that his mind manipulated him into believing absurdities.

Humming to himself as he imagine the blonde in the same position as himself, all alone on his bed. His mind trailing off into abstract territory. Or maybe he was thinking about Ashton. Ashton could never know. All Ashton knew was that he found the mystery and conflict the blonde perpetuated beautiful.

He and Luke had gotten into the habit of sharing with each other little quotes. Ashton's were light ones he found from his social media feed. Luke's were often dark and blurry pictures from pages of books he liked. Often the older boy had to ask him to extract the line that he was drawing detail to, because he couldn't distinguish the background detail from the meaningful substance. But Luke's quotes had substance, and they often alluded to Ashton Luke's state of mind. And also his own.

A particular recent quote that Ashton had spotted straight away in a passage of The Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood was that beauty is exaggerated and unbalanced and only if you pay more attention you will see. Ashton paid so much attention the blonde that he knew every imperfection better than his perfections. But the more Ashton thought about it, Luke had no perfections and neither did he. They both strived so hard to be perfect - Luke wanted a perfect body and Ashton to be a perfect human being - and that's what attracted them to each other.

Luke had told him the following evening after he sent the page, and finished the book, that he thought about Ashton's imperfections all night. Ashton asked him to list them, and Luke just laughed.