Hold My Hand - Lashton

Chapter Twenty-nine

Chapter Twenty-nine

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Artificial light illuminated the pale and distraught face. Turning tears into sparkling droplets.

The message had been received at seven pm, just after Luke had returned from the kitchen with Ashton trailing behind him. The older boy absorbing the fragility of the younger.

Luke wasn't aware of the train wreck that was about to hit him. He was surprisingly calm and content with the moment. Despite Ashton's usual analytical glares, he hadn't said anything that would evoke his body into complete shut down mode.

He felt as if some mutual understanding, a contractual agreement had been made when Ashton entered the kitchen that evening. That he would stop causing Luke to be so paranoid and on edge. Like he was assisting him on remaining as calm as possible. Luke didn't quite know what changed in Ashton, what they both had shared knowledge on - but at that moment he quite liked it.

That was just half an hour before the message Ashton had sent him. If Luke had the energy to calculate it, only seven minutes after Ashton had entered his room he hit send, causing Luke's last bit of sanity to explode. It would have meant, given the detail and length of Ashton's message, it was written before the pair ate their dinner together.

Ashton had sat there with the blonde, watching him eat, and secretly having the knowledge replaying in his mind. No wonder he was so quiet, Luke had thought. He was analysing him even more than before.

The tears didn't come instantly. The contraction of the muscles and the nausea of the stomach came first. The widening of eyes and pounding of the head. The feeling of exposure. Ashton had left Luke naked. He had lifted his jumper - his safety blanket - and unleashed his biggest flaw. Metaphorically anyway. But Luke now knew that someone was aware of what he perceived his biggest flaw.

Ashton had carefully constructed the lecture content into a concise, and clear little message for the blonde. Adding personal hints and expressing his desire to help him. But to Luke, it seemed like an attack.

Luke's eyes skipped straight past what BDD was, and why Ashton thought he had it. All his mind could focus on what he thought was his biggest flaw. The feature of his body that consumed him day and night. His stomach. And Ashton was aware of it too now.

Ashton had never seen his bare, pale torso - but Luke felt like Ashton had seen every skin cell of it. He knew every crease, every mark and every sound it made.

His mind fixated on that single word. Stomach. A word that meant the internal organ where the major part of the digestion of food occurs. An important organ that keeps you alive was the very same organ that was destroying Luke, and Luke destroying it. To Luke he didn't see what was on the inside, he only saw the little arch it used to form, that was now vanishing.

The word to the blonde meant something so subjective that even Ashton had yet to fathom it. To Luke it meant imperfection. It meant it was too big. And it meant the need for change. Luke couldn't unfocus, or be content until his stomach was gone.

He dropped his phone beside his leg, the screen still beaming full brightness. He let his hand rest on his stomach, feeling for the little arch he couldn't get out of his mind. It was there, it was pretty flat. But Luke's hand couldn't lay flat, it had to form a curve. His mind was playing tricks on him, and it wasn't going to be kind anytime soon.

Angrily Luke shoved his hand under his jumper and sobbed hard. He felt so bare and vulnerable and he was angry. Angry at himself for letting himself be so transparent. He knew he should have hidden better.

But also angry at Ashton for being so determined and intrusive. This was something private and he had unanchored it. It was his own body and he had the right to invade it like this. Luke felt assaulted.

Of course Luke didn't understand what the message was saying. Luke didn't understand the implied message, the concern for the blondes health that seeped through the text. With the word stomach, all Luke could associate it with was it being too big. If Ashton noticed it, it must be too obvious.

The younger boy, therefore, made the wrongful connection that Ashton was willing him to lose weight.

As the night went by, Luke's phone turned dark and he slowly slid down his bed. His eyes drying up but failing to close and he stared at the ceiling. His hand never failing to leave his stomach. He knew that Ashton had well and truly broke him this time.

-

Having to go to cafes to write and update which is annoying. I'm going home for my grandad's funeral so at least I'll have some internet then. My housemate (also my ex) is being really irritating so getting out of the house isn't too bad!! Just sat in coffee shops with my mask on as well. And the barista just gave me my black iced tea with lemonade in but I'm too pussy to complain!

Anyway I hope everything beginning to make sense now, the whole story line really has slotted into place in my head now. 

Please comment what you think.

Thank you so much for reading.