Hold My Hand - Lashton

Chapter Thirty-three

Chapter Thirty-three

-

They never confirmed anything. They fell asleep in each other's arms not muttering a word. Ashton left in the morning and didn't leave his room until the following day when he felt a little more uplifted. But following that night, never more than the occasional greeting was uttered before the pair and the unease was growing unbearable.

Ashton had forgotten to pick up his room key from outside Luke's door, and rumors had spread that the pair had slept together. No one questioned Luke (and he didn't know the rumors, Ashton asked for him to remain innocent, knowing it would only hurt him more) and of course, Ashton denied them. Because semantically they implied sex, and there was no sex.

They kissed and fell asleep fully dressed - minus Ashton's shirt - and awoke on separate sides of the bed. They were just in one another's presence. Ashton wanted to explain it was like he had a nightmare and needed Luke's comfort, but they wouldn't 'believe or understand it. So he just told them it was complicated. And it was.

-

Nearly a week later Luke was making a cup of green tea, the kettle more and more ready to erupt, a perfect analogy for the tension growing between the pair. And just as it clicked, reaching boiling point, Ashton entered the kitchen.

Luke didn't turn around, he knew who it was. He had memorized the sound of Ashton's walking. It was brisk and heavy - he would make a terrible spy! Ashton froze at the door when he saw the blonde, his back that he had so lovingly held. He didn't know what had happened, why there was this sudden tension - but he also knew they were both to blame.

"Why are you ignoring me?" Ashton asked. It wasn't harsh, but there was some annoyance in the tone.

Luke dropped his tea bag in the bin, placing his spoon in the sink and slowly turned. "I'm not ignoring you."

"It feels like it. You haven't said a word to me."

Luke played with his watch, wanting to get out of the situation instantly. "You know I don't initiate conversations. You never start any."

Ashton closed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair. "I thought you'd be comfortable enough to start a conversation with me by now."

Luke shook his head ashamed. "You're not quite you this week," the blonde argued. "I thought you said it was best to leave you be when you were like this."

"I told you that before I caught these stupid feelings for you!" Ashton explained frustrated, pulling out a chair and sitting down. He was angry and he knew if he was standing there would be more chance he'd lash out on the blonde.

Luke flinched and his eyes glistened. "Stupid?"

Ashton shook his head and sighed. "I told you to ignore this side of me because I know I'd hurt you, I get so angry sometimes." Luke didn't understand, so he stayed quiet. He pulled the chair out in front of him and patted it for the blonde to sit. Luke looked at it skeptically. He was scared and it was too close to Ashton. "I won't hurt you, Luke. I couldn't."

Luke laughed to himself but took the seat nonetheless. "You've hurt me more than you could ever know. Ashton."

"And you've hurt me too Luke. But there has to be hurt for there to be healing. We balance each other out, that's why we're so drawn to each other. We're like magnets of an opposite pole. And we never intended to hurt each other, if anything we hurt each other for the best, "Ashton explained.

Luke nodded as he let Ashton take his hands. "I don't want to not speak to you," he said. "I would just find it easier if you could tell me I'm allowed to speak."

Ashton frowned and shook his head. "I don't control you, Luke. You are your person. I don't want whatever this is to be about me controlling you and making you something that you are not. Even if I want that."

Shaking his head Luke disapproved. "No, I don't want that. I just want to know if you want to speak to me. Even if you say hi or something it lets me know you want to speak with me - you don't mind hearing what I have to say. I always want to speak to you, more now than ever, but my mind won't let me. I have all the sentences replaying in my head but I can't say them because I'm worried I'll look stupid! "

Ashton squeezed both of Luke's hands. "Okay, I'll try. But remember I am always going to listen to you, so you can speak or message me whenever you wish. No matter how absurd the ideas in your brain are, I have never judged you."

Sitting silently for a while, Luke asked. "Do you want anything from me?"

Smiling sweetly Ashton shook his head. "Not that I can think of. There are so many things that annoy me about you Luke, but that's what makes you like me. I just want you to grow and flourish in my company, that it all."

Luke nodded understandingly. He knew what Ashton wanted, for him to look after himself better - but that was beyond Ashton's control. He was just a guider, the stabilizer that had been put back on his bike.

Turning around Luke looked over at his tea that was going cold. He had planned to spend the remainder of the night reading, hiding away in a fictional world to forget his troubles. But he knew he needed to be present with Ashton, that reality was quickly fading away, but the book would always be there.

Luke bit his lip and looked back up at Ashton. "Stupid feelings?" he asked once again, the two words remaining prominent in his mind.

Ashton sighed and nodded. "The feelings stage of stuff like this is always stupid Luke. It's like a push and pulls game."

"But it's over now right, we know each other's feelings for one another?" Luke asked naively, not understanding Ashton's interpretation of their relationship. He wasn't going to ask Luke to be his boyfriend, but he wanted something beyond friendship.

"I guess," the older boy agreed. "It is more clear. But I think we're more complex than other people." Nonetheless, Ashton could tell how strong Luke's feelings were for him - he even pushed aside his nerves as willingly kissed him - and he felt them just as strongly. There was something wrong with being in a relationship with Luke, he felt they weren't right for each other - that they wouldn't endure to marriage.

Luke looked confused and Ashton didn't want to burden him with his insight. Ashton knew that he wanted to be with Luke right now, he wanted to guide him through this time in his life, and he wanted the same thing for Luke. So he'd leave him naive and see how far they could go with each other.

-

Thank you to everyone who has be so kind to me! But sadly the nightmare that is my life continues. Still having no internet I've been having to travel to get some and accessed my reading lists today (after having to change courses due to clashes which I don't even want to talk about the mess that caused) and have just seen how much work I have to do! And my contract has been expanded so I'm still working. But I'm still eager to write so hopefully I can remain as sane as possible!

Let's talk about Ashton's new single here. What do we think?

Thank you so much for reading.