Hold My Hand - Lashton

Chapter Twenty-three

Chapter Twenty-three

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The difference between Ashton and Luke was that one was willing to share what they were going through, whereas the other bottled it up until they exploded like a bottle of champagne that brought as an unwanted gift five Christmas' ago.

Ashton, his mother, his siblings and his step-father had all sat down during his first week home and discussed what the bipolar boy was experiencing what he needed from everyone to survive the next for weeks with as much ease as possible.

The curly-haired boy didn't want to interrupt their lives. He wanted his brother and sister to have fun, and he wanted his mother and step-father to be able to get on with their daily tasks without there being obstacles.

However, he knew that he wasn't selfish. He knew that he was entitled to their cooperation. They loved and cared for him, and because they loved him, it meant they would do whatever they could to ensure that his mind was at ease.

What Ashton asked for was reduced noise level. He knew it is hard to recognise when you were loud sometimes. He realised his sister got excited talking about boys on the phone to her friends. But there are ways around it, and everyone was willing to adapt their lives to help him.

Often Ashton just left the house. He felt comfort from the cold winter air hitting his warm skin as soon as he stepped out of the door. He enjoyed his finger tingling as the crisp air ate away at them, making him crush his hands into fists, or shoving them in his pockets to find screwed up receipts that held memories he had easily stored in his sub-conscious (not that he thought Freud was credible!).

The streets and parks were barren, as people were cosy in their homes with their heating and blankets. But, Ashton found his mind at ease when he heard a leaf crunch under his boots. Or the wind howl and rattle the desolate branches.

Sometimes other people would pass. Ashton would smile at them. Sometimes they wouldn't even be looking, or they looked at him oddly. Ashton would laugh to himself and begin analysing their psyche. He would make up their whole life from that one interaction and determine their psychology.

One time a dog ran past, sniffing by his feet. Ashton leant down and gently stroked his damp fur. The dog was panting heavily. He didn't know much about dogs. He wasn't sure what the behaviour entailed. The nineteen-year-old suddenly found himself analysing a dog. He wondered if that was even possible if they even had the same mind as a human being. He was pretty sure we would never know!

Ashton decided then it was time to return home. That the cold had entered his brain and froze some of his brain cells. On his return home, he thought about Luke. He thought about the blonde at least once a day, finding small links to the blonde boy.

He wondered if Luke used that argument in support of being a vegan. Did he believe animals had souls, or minds, or consciousness? Were they the same as humans? Could we ever comprehend the mentality of an animal? Does that even determine whether or not they deserve to be treated ethically?

Ashton didn't know much about philosophy but he remembered the phrase utilitarian and the philosopher John Stuart Mill asserting that pleasure and pains determine ethical treatment. And he knew from stepping on his cats tail that animals do feel pain! Ashton laughed to himself as he walked up to his garden path, he knew the walk had restored his mind to some form of tranquillity.

-

Ashton had taken the same walk on Christmas day. He knew the day was going to be filled with excitement and noise. He was aware his brother and sister were going to talk all day about their presents, and he knew eventually it would drive him crazy.

The streets were busier today. There were families out walking, smiling and laughing. Ashton wasn't jealous. He knew his day was just as wholesome as theirs, his mind could only handle so much of that wholesomeness, however.

Ashton found himself reaching in his pocket for his phone. He wanted to call Luke. He wanted the gift of hearings Luke's voice, of knowing he had a good day too. He didn't know whether he would answer if it was even disrespectful to call him. But he did so anyway.

The phone rang for times before there was a muffled hello. Ashton grinned to himself and began to ramble. "Hi, Luke! It's me, Ashton! I'm sorry for calling, it's probably rude of me! But I just wanted to know if you are okay if today was full of joy as it should be?"

The nineteen-year-old's body was filled with adrenaline. His blood was pumping and the cold no longer bothered him.

Luke laughed quietly through the phone. "It was good thank you! How was yours?"

Ashton had missed the awkward and almost scripted conversations Luke had. They were familiar and calming and he craved to have more of them. "Wonderful! There was so much happiness and excitement it just makes it special, doesn't it?" Luke hummed in agreement. Ashton wondered what he was doing, where he was if he was panicking. Ashton had forgotten about Luke's dislike of conversation.

"Are you okay?" he continued. "Have you been looking after yourself? Did you eat the biggest Christmas dinner you could? I know I did!"

Again he heard Luke chuckle. "I'm fine Ashton! You won't even recognise me when I get back!"

Ashton smiled. He knew it could be lies, but he had some faith in Luke's humour. "Do you remember that message to me?" The line was silent. "I was hoping you'd send it again. I thought about sending it myself!"

The line was silent for a couple of seconds before Luke spoke nervously. "I thought about it. I don't think I could do it again. It's weird how sometimes I'm confident and other times I'm not. But there's nothing I could do if you send it!"

Ashton nodded sadly. "You'll get there eventually Luke. I'll see you soon." He left the call going until he heard Luke say bye before opening up his messages. Answering his call was Ashton's present from Luke. He knew it took a lot of courage from the blonde. So as a gift to Luke he composed the message: I miss you!

-

Kinda liked this, but I don't know.

My life is going to start getting really busy again. I'm moving back to uni soon, and my grandad's cancer has come back and with covid there is no way for him to have treatment so I'm a bit demotivated. So please bear with me on updates. I want to finish this book, but at the same time I sort of have to live in reality for a bit if that makes sense?!

Thank you so much for reading.