Writing Tips and Reviews

Reviewing Bad Writing: Devil's Taboo Part Two

I am not excited to return to this. I'm hoping for more development between the characters, but I highly doubt it knowing the sheer amount of wish fulfillment there is in Beth's stories.

-Part two-

**When Beth returned home, she collapsed on her bed, exhausted. The events of the day kept her thoughts racing, and so she decided to play on her phone in hopes of relaxing a bit.**

What does she do for a living? I'm guessing something that gives her loads of money if she's able to pay for two expensive hotel rooms. Just rent an apartment, it's better for the living space and multiple rooms.

**"I wonder if Riri is still awake..." She logged onto the ORIGIN chat app and saw that her online friend was indeed still awake and still playing ORIGIN Online. "Oh...I want to talk to her. Hopefully she's not too busy... I just feel so uneasy."**

This is a short story, like a movie, we don't have time for all this useless crap.

**CHAT
Drakonnia: hey, are u there?

MagicaRialli: Beth! you're back. did u go to see that guy??

Drakkonia: yeah... i feel really weird about the whole situation. im trying to stop thinking about it. how's it going? are u playing with that guy from work?

MagicaRialli: Yeah!! We've been playing the whole time. his screen name is L3V1 if you want to add him. he wanted to make his character name the same thing, but it was taken.
but...are you sure talking about it wont help? I'm worried about you...

Drakkonia: well i mean, its gonna sound silly i guess, but okay...
i guess im just...lonely. and i was thinking, maybe i just tried to help him because i was lonely and wanted to feel good about myself. when i went to see him, he was thanking me and saying i was kind and i just felt guilty...
ngl he is my type.
when i was there he remembered his name though, his name is Eichi...

MagicaRialli: You still helped him. you used your own money to get him a hotel room right?? that's not selfish. even if you WERE being selfish, i wouldnt think badly of you. if he is your type, maybe it will work out? i know he has amnesia and stuff but who knows? if you're positive, i bet everything will turn out great, Beth!!
so his name is Eichi... hehe i'll try some magic that will make you guys get together!

Drakkonia: hahaha no, dont do that!!
i guess you're right, but it's not like im trying to get him to become my boyfriend. heck, i have almost no experience with guys... but you know i did something stupid
i....sorta asked him to work as my cleaner and stay in my apartment with me
was it a bad idea??

MagicaRialli: you're really trusting aren't you? hmmm... i've never lived with a guy before so i dont know. if he's as nice as you say, you shouldnt have to worry though. at least you wont be lonely anymore, right? so everything will work out!
maybe you'll even end up falling in love 

Drakkonia: dang, you're insanely optimistic. im seriously not trying to look for a relationship okay... I really was just worried about him. i felt like...something bad would happen if i didnt try to help him. i dont know why. ughhhhhhh im so annoyed... whatever, i dont wanna think about it! im getting on ORIGIN, let's just play all night!!

MagicaRialli: okay, let's play!! but you should try to at least get some sleep. didn't you work today? you must be tired.

Drakkonia: I don't careeeeee im gonna play until i stop thinking!!!

MagicaRialli: well im excited to play with you and introduce you to my co-worker!**

ALL OF THIS IS USELESS GARBAGE. Thanks for admitting you're a dumbass and let some random stranger in your house with NO IDEA who is he and hired him as your house cleaner even though you LIVE IN A HOTEL WITH ROOM SERVICE. Let's also talk about the sheer incompetence of the other person not seeing a damn problem with this. "Oh hey, I took a guy off the streets and gave him an expensive hotel room that I'm paying for, but it's okay, he's cute." A normal person would make you see a therapist because you have to be insane to think that.