Writing Tips and Reviews

Reviewing Bad Writing: Devil's Taboo Part Three

Beth's stories tend to have long chapters but are filled with useless garbage so you can skip most of it.

-Part Three-

**They drove all around town until late afternoon, but nothing sparked Eichi's memory. When Beth was starting to look worn out, he asked if she would take him to the place where she lived, and she agreed.**

Wow, our "doing something important" lasted a paragraph. Back to characters who don't know a thing about one another being love birds. Gotta just love how no one recognizes him or is allowed to talk to him, we can assume there are some people, because he's a pop star, but Beth drove by them to ignore their existence. Or is there anyone around?

It's stated she works and is paying for an expensive hotel room, so she's allowed to know other people exist, but when it comes to describing how he feels about seeing what people do in their daily life so he knows Beth isn't the only other person to exist, that's not a thing. BECAUSE GOD FORBID HE HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE WHO'S NOT YOU.

**She brought him to her apartment; it was nothing special, but it was cozy enough for one or two people to live in comfortably. "Here we are. Make yourself at home."**

So, now is the time we learn she has an apartment, not a mansion. And it can fit two people. So why the hell is she renting a hotel room that probably costs more than her apartment? Is it because she couldn't trust him to live with her? She wouldn't have been eying him like candy and talking about how much she loves this COMPLETE STRANGER, if she did.

**Eichi looked around at all the various knickknacks Beth had set up around the apartment, wandering into the kitchen. He studied everything with such great interest that she couldn't help but giggle. "Why are you looking at everything like it's so cool?"**

No one cares.

**"Fufu, because this is your home...♪ Anyway, I think you can learn a lot about someone from the way they decorate their living spaces."**

One more time, I swear. FUFU YOURSELF OFF A CLIFF.

**"Oh yeah...?" Beth yawned quietly as she looked in the fridge. "Mm..." I'm so tired...**

Maybe don't spend all night playing games instead of sleeping even though you knew you would be taking him out on a date.

**Eichi walked up behind her. "Should I try to cook something for you...?"**

Can he cook? I didn't read that far into his information because I don't care.

**She jumped a little and sighed. "N-No, it's okay..."**

Do you know what this reminds me of? I was in a role play, and we were doing a story based on Persona 5, this kid came in, and we let her, and she made it all about her. She had to be the center of attention. We went into a palace and she had to come along, her character went around opening traps to get "cookies", whined about being bored, and threw temper tantrums when she didn't get what she wanted.

When one of the characters nearly died getting the treasure, she started saying "I'm really tired!" And had "she said closing her eyes and falling asleep" and "she leaned on (this character) because she was just sooooo tired" at the end of the dialogue. We had to move to another chat to get away from her because she wouldn't stop making it about herself.

The plot feels like that, it feels like someone just inserted themselves into someone else's story and took it over. Instead of being about Eichi and developing him on any level, it's about Beth isolating him from the world and going love bird over him. It feels like Beth shoved herself into what could be an interesting story so she could have things go her way and only her way.