Welcome to Writing Tips, where I place my subjective opinion with sometimes objective facts. Whether you're writing a fan fiction with ocs or your story with copyrighted characters, tips and tricks are always helpful.
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(WARNING, this story is really bad, if you don't want to read what's basically "Stones to Abigale" but somehow written worse, then click off now. Because I would rather read Stones to Abigale than this atrocity. We will see: constant whining, a Mary Sue protagonist, the author expecting you to know things without any introduction, character's names being stated who never show up again, and everything Greg does but is somehow worse.)
Welcome to a new series where I look for the worst of the worst writing and review it. I'm going to regret this, aren't I?
Since I love shitting on Shayana's writing so much, I decided to look at her story "When the Stars Align". I'll judge whether her writing has gotten better since I criticized her work "Song of Nature", or worse. Since she likes to remove stories people point out aren't perfect, or are stolen, I can only assume this won't end well. Please for the love of Romani Archaman, prove me wrong and at least be decent.
I also will not be reviewing her fan fiction, for the obvious reason, I want to review "her" original work with characters "she" wrote. I have no proof assets were stolen, but I'm not going to let that option go because she is infamous for stealing.
Let's get into the third chapter because the first two are prologue and exposition dump that I'm not getting into right now, there is a reason. First of all, the author's note says each chapter changes the perspective of who is talking. And I'm going to give the Dumbsville advice of "if you're going to do that, just write in the third person." He's cool, go check out his channel.
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(I want to make reading this as easy as possible, so picture break every so often. And you're going to need it.)
Chapter Three: What's introducing the basics anyways?
"It's Monday. The worst day of school, and the first."
Garfield.
"Do you know why? Because we start the year with geography and I hate geography."
Don't you have a system where you can choose your classes when you go into middle school? The characters are 13, and maybe in an American-based school, so why are they in middle school and not able to choose if they can take a class or not? And no, this wasn't explained in the exposition dump, only the name of the school was.
"Even though it's my very first day of school, I can tell I'm going to hate it..."
Hold on, I thought middle school in America started when a child turned 10-11. Why is a 13-year-old going into middle school for the first time? Is she actually 10 or 11 and talking about her time when she was starting? I wouldn't know. The main character of the chapter, Storm, doesn't say what age she is. So, I have to assume she's 13 because that's what the information for the story says the characters need to be and was held back.
This is entirely your fault for not saying what grade she's in so I'm assuming she's in 6th grade since she says "the first day". Good job, it hasn't been two sentences in and I'm already confused about what the hell is going on.
