Writing Tips and Reviews

Friends Review: The Dumb Kingdom

Sorry I don't update this like I used to, I feel like I've done all I can in terms of what I think are interesting points for writing. But there's no lack of bad writing to review. This is admittedly an old story that has been a topic of discussion since we're talking about bad writing. I'll be putting a redo of my opinions first, then we'll see what my friends think.

PART 1: The commentary

"Far away, in the reverse realm of [NOPE], the kingdom of Einheir flourished."

Unfortunately, I don't have the original text and it looks like it's been taken down, which means my notes are all that exist of what it said. We'll have to work with this.

"It was a terribly amazing awfully wonderful idea."

I don't want to be that person who doesn't change my opinion, but this is an exception, "a terrible yet amazing idea" would've been fine. Sometimes padding words out for a counter isn't the best option. Besides, maybe you could do some world-building instead of elongating sentences. Would be helpful.

"When the crown was to be laid upon the queen's head, [Amy] snatched it out of the ceremony person's hands. She dashed out of the palace, the other bandits following closely behind her."

1: Ceremony person's hands, that is the funniest way to describe an archbishop and I only know that word because I did a Google search. This low-effort writing isn't going to stop... is it?

2: I've been calling this character "Amy" as I can't remember her name, sorry if that's not her real name.

3: As this is the beginning of the story, it's not a great start. For one, we don't know how the kingdom works, we don't know why Amy wants the crown, and we don't know Amy as a person. And while this wouldn't be a problem if the story spoke about these later, you can assume why I'm talking about them now. An issue that has always appeared in "Shawn's" work is that she expects you to know the details of her world, so she doesn't have to explain them herself.

"If when [the queen] dies, I shall receive the throne, then I will hand over the crown."

"Very well."

You see, the problem is that this event is happening in secret and with a knight that we don't know anything about. Are they friends? Did she beat him in battle for him to agree? Or is he an idiot? We don't know and that leaves us, the audience, to assume the motivations behind this character.

And I don't want to hear, "it's a mystery" to excuse the lack of development. I only say that because it's a common phrase Shawn uses when asked about plot holes. A mystery is an event where the characters, and the audience, pick up clues throughout the story and get a bigger picture. A knight's motivation for giving a common bandit the throne should not be a mystery with how the story is set up. It could be a mystery that Amy is a lost princess, but (potshot incoming) that is too much effort for what this story is capable of.

"King Ein has agreed."

I'll talk about this later, but it doesn't make sense for the king, whom we know nothing about, to agree to give a bandit the throne. Just because Amy stole a golden crown doesn't mean she automatically gets the throne. What about the people of the kingdom? How about the queen herself? Does the royal court have a say? While I understand this is an "insert oc power fantasy" it doesn't excuse the leaps of logic happening throughout the story. If we are to put some brain power into this, we should be asking why riots aren't tearing the country apart. Why aren't there groups opposing this decision? But again, too much effort for this story.

"[Amy] was delighted. She handed the crown to the knight."

I don't understand why the royal family had to keep their end of the bargain. Yes, it is the nice option and the one that allows Shawn's self-insert to become queen. But it logically doesn't make any sense. The royal family should matter more than a golden crown, they should throw Amy in prison once they get the crown back, stabbing her in the back is exactly what anyone else would do. I had the idea that she was a lost princess who gathered the kingdom to her side to overthrow her father, but... too much effort for this story.