Welcome to Writing Tips, where I place my subjective opinion with sometimes objective facts. Whether you're writing a fan fiction with ocs or your story with copyrighted characters, tips and tricks are always helpful.
Added reviews!!! I'm here to h...
"One would think that the author has read critiques and maybe considered those before squeezing out another loveless attempt at writing. But he didn't."
The main character is again just a self-loathing, hateful Mary Sue with a god complex and all the other characters are unimportant, not described, and barely completely named.
I can't understand how fans can give this piece of crap a five-star rating with all the technical errors, the badly made characters, and the complete absence of a storyline. If the feelings of this character really mirror Greg's, I hope I'll never ever meet him. It's more than scary."
-A review about Greg's work, "This is why I hate you", applies here.
Until someone gives me ideas for tips, I'll be doing these reviews to keep content coming.
Because we've reached over 3K words, that means pictures! And because this whole thing is the worst attempt at any form of comedy writing ever, it's all going to be from funnier shows.
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-Chapter One-
"So they went in and discovered that the fire led to a network of cave tunnels, and the tunnels lead to a ruby mine."
There have to be a million better ways to say that.
I also see we're still suffering from the "never introduce anything or anyone and expect the reader to know everything" disease When the Stars Align had. Fanfictions allow you to skip the characters and world if you're using those. Seeing as you're using your alternate versions, you still failed! I don't have to introduce anything about Lancer Karna, but I do with Archer Karna Lily because I created that version of him and people don't know what I changed. IT'S NOT THAT HARD.
"So they came out of the network of tunnels to report their discoveries."
If you can't go to the next line without "so", go back to writing 101 and pay attention to how to naturally move to the next topic.
I'm actually skipping through most of the dialogue because this is 90% useless talking that no one cares about.
"The next morning, when Sasha didn't return, Michi decided to go after her. But by the time Michi had gotten to the mines, she found Sasha unconscious in a cage dangling over a water-filled sinkhole."
You can see I'm not saying "WHO" because it is fan fiction and I kind of don't care at this point who anyone is because they're all going to be butchered with stupidity. Poor Aphmau, I feel sorry for her.
Yes, don't build up their relationship and try to make an emotional scene, that always works. Don't also do anything to help and be a complete moron and run away. Fujimaru and Roman had more chemistry in the five seconds they talked than these two who haven't looked at each other and probably had two lines. I can't tell, there's so much dialogue I'm getting bored reading it. When you write dialogue, you should make it interesting and add some spice so it's not two people standing around talking to each other.
