Writing Tips and Reviews

Reviewing Bad Writing: Devil's Taboo FINALE

We're at the finale, it honestly wasn't as painful as When the Stars Align, Beth has some semblance of knowing what writing is, she just doesn't know what to do with it. It's still bad, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't hit the lowest point on the scale. It does hit a personal point, you know, with me having a concussion and amnesia when I was a kid. Seeing someone do a serious topic and flop is one thing, having a personal connection is another.

-Problems-

~ The characters are bland

I know nothing of Beth or the guy she took off the street, why? Because getting them to love each other right away is clearly more important than the plot.

~ The plot is not introduced well

I think it's about the guy and his lost memories, but we spend so much time doing nothing about it I forgot.

~ Wish fulfillment done horribly wrong

If it was just a romance story and they met at a party, I wouldn't care, I probably wouldn't have even read it. But, it was called "Devil's Taboo" and has some indication of a plot, so I was interested. Then immediately disinterested. The romance should not be coming before the plot, and this is not a parody of romance novels.

~ Angel stone

I don't know it's actual name and I don't care. It means nothing and I can ignore its existence.

~ That dream better be important

I know I just reviewed the first chapter so I'm going easy on the lack of development, but that doesn't excuse the dream having no affect on anything in the chapter. It's like Celestia having the power to see the future, having a dream, and people ignoring it to keep whining. It's not good to ignore things like that.

~ Know how to deal with concussions

You didn't say what he had, but the signs are that he has one. Unless it's a magic spell, do your research. Even if it's not a concussion, it should be treated as one. He lost his memory, he was found on the streets, that screams he was in an accident. You don't pick him up, go to an expensive hotel, shove him in there, let him walk around, and make him work. That's the opposite of what you should be doing.

~ He's famous, why hasn't anyone recognized him?

He's a star, he should have fans, people who are looking for him, and family. You can't say he has none of that so your oc and him can hook up.

~ He's not a servant

Him being happy to serve her is just creepy, she writes him to be really creepy, but her oc is in love, so no one cares. He's Kiara levels of creepy, and she is CREEPY.

~ GOD FORBID HE HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE WHO'S NOT YOU.

-The Fix-

~Beth

We need to know more about her, more than she may be an introvert and she doesn't have many friends. We need to know why she took a random guy off the street and why she made him work instead of taking him to a hospital. Because her not doing that portrays her as an entitled princess. Taking a guy off the street and making them work, sure why not? But he has amnesia and it shouldn't be treated lightly.

From how it stands, Beth is being shown as abusive. She isolates him from everyone else in the world, doesn't let him do things without her permission, and makes him a servant. The writer tries to not make it creepy by having him say "your wish is my command". But that makes it more creepy, he's not a servant from Fate who's contracted with a master, he's a human being. He's only forced to be with her because he doesn't know other people exist.