Writing Tips and Reviews

Reviewing Bad Writing: Devil's Taboo Part One

I told you there would be another one of these and oh look who it is. Beth, great. I don't like Beth, much less than Shayana, but she is annoying. She literally blocked me on discord for sending a picture of my bird that she didn't like. But that won't stop me from reviewing her work.

This piece is pretty recent, unlike When the Stars Align, which was made about two years ago. This was made August 6, 2020.

I'm going to do my regular give a part of the story then comment on it and see where it goes. I haven't read this before so it's a new story for me, unlike the last one, which I skimmed over once before I reviewed it.

-Part one-

It's all one chapter so I've separated it into parts.

**Beth stood outside of the hotel room she had rented out for the mysterious young man she found slumped outside the grocery store. She took a breath and knocked at the door, holding a plastic container of homemade food she had just made--a large portion from her dinner.**

For one, WHO? Two, you're attempting to make her look pure hearted by renting out a room for some stranger, but don't you know that's a big no no in society? Giving random people stuff doesn't guarantee they won't leave it at that, they could want more. In a perfect world, they would be fine, this is not a perfect world.

This guy is most likely homeless and you didn't give us a description of how he looked, so we don't know if he was just a homeless guy, or if he was dressed nicely, or if he had an injury. Hell, we don't even know what Beth looks like.

**The door slowly opened a moment later, and she came face-to-face with a pair of friendly-looking azure eyes. "Oh, it's you... Have you come to check on me? You're too kind..." he smiled sadly, and she smiled back brightly.**

You're more detailed than Shayana could ever wish to be, so I'll give you that. Don't expect constant praise.

**"Yeah... I was worried about you. Um, I brought you some food... Can I come in for a minute?" Beth asked, shifting her weight slightly. Maybe it's a bad idea to come in...? He IS a guy...but I feel like I can trust him? Gah, I can't place the feeling, but I think he's harmless.**

Some of this is in italics, which doesn't transfer to wattpad, so just know anytime the story does this, it's inner monologue. But really showing how dumb your protagonist is. "I don't know why, but I think I can trust this guy to not kill me in my sleep. I'm just going to let him do whatever he wants and expect no consequences."

**"Fufu, you don't need my permission. Please, I'd be happy if you joined me. I just put some hot water on for tea..."**

Okay, because Beth is stupid, she uses "fufu" thinking it's some kind of cute laugh. Well, it's not.

"Fufufu" is also laughing, but it's a different type of laughter. It's more of a snicker, or else condescending or mischievous laughter. - Gamespot

(Future note, Beth uses this for nearly every line this guy has. She did no research on what it is because all her knowledge on Japan is from an idol anime, so it takes everything into a new context. Where it's supposed to be cute and charming turns it into creepy and weird. Do you see why you need to do research on things before you use them in your work?)

**"It's okay, really..." She handed him the tupperware and looked around the room; everything was pristine, like no one had been there at all. "Did you remember anything?"**

So, this is his first night at a hotel and you just met him. Are you telling me you went up to some random stranger, said "hey, let me pay for your hotel room and come in with you", and you're not expecting consequences? I don't know if this is the kind of story where she found him passed out and brought him over, but when characters in games do that, they send the person to their room and watch over them.