Welcome to Writing Tips, where I place my subjective opinion with sometimes objective facts. Whether you're writing a fan fiction with ocs or your story with copyrighted characters, tips and tricks are always helpful.
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So, I just got done dealing with an abusive relationship and the aftermath of victim-blaming. I need content that won't make me spiral down a series of wanting to strangle someone. I heard this story is okay on quality, and because I don't have any more negative bias towards Shay, or Star as she likes to be called, I'm going in blind. I haven't read through any of the reviews I've previously made on her work or anything I made on my DA talking about the situation that made me cut ties with her. Since she's grown as a person, and as a creator, I won't bring any of that up to judge her recent character. I don't hold anything against her or Kalia anymore. Let's keep it that way.
Before we start, a little known fact about me: I'm part of the commentary community. If you don't know who they are, then I'll explain. They're a group that focuses on deconstructing arguments by presenting screenshots and breaking them down. They usually do it in a video format, but I do it in written format due to not having the tools required. I will be using that same format of showing screenshots and going through points I think are necessary.
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"The first thing that struck me as odd was his bright red hair."
I don't know the original material, so I don't know her ethnicity or where she's from. I know she's not Japanese from her name and she said she moved there. If she's American, then how has she never seen someone with red hair? Is it unnaturally red?
(Edit: His hair is dyed an unnatural red and that's why Oliver is focused on him but not the woman later on. Which, that is an oversight on the writer's part. Star, you can't do this. I've been wondering why Oliver is so intrigued by his hair color that she needs to repeat it throughout the story; the last place I expected to see the answer is in the comment section. There's a difference between mystery and forgetting to state the obvious. Luna is a mystery, I'm fine with not having much information on her, but this is something the reader should know immediately.
Without the knowledge that it's dyed unnaturally, it comes off as Oliver never seeing a person with red hair before. Crucial details like this can not be left out. Especially when they can change the narrative. There's no reason to keep this a secret. This is a first person story following Oliver, the first sentence should include, "he had unnaturally dyed red hair." This gives context to the story. If it was from her brother's perspective and he was used to that color, then you could leave it out until later. Also, I don't know what cover the commenter is talking about, because all I see is the ocean with the title. But don't use the cover as a replacement for details. Come on, you can do better than that.)
"The first thing that caught my eyes was that boy's red hair."
This is repetition. You don't need to say this, cut out the first sentence and start with "when I jumped out of my brother's boat."
"Who even wears a top hat anymore?"
Fault in world-building, what period is this? When I write, I make it clear when the world is set through explanations of it. For all know, her brother's boat is a steam engine.
