the girl with all of the choices

o n e h u n d r e d e i g h t

7602 words

january fifth- the new regime has been found in dark places

~ Draco ~

My witch had been gone for too long. Eleven days. Eleven fucking days. The longest we had ever been apart was the approximately two months, from the end of spring term to the beginning of fall term. We had done that at the end of fourth year and then again at the end of sixth year. It was awful, but manageable, at least for the first of those two times, because our separation had an ending date. And even for our separation before the beginning of seventh year, I had found out at one point that we would see each other again when Mum told me the Dark Lord had requested that I return to Hogwarts.

The problem now was that there was no end date in sight. We had absolutely no clue when we would see each other again. The thought was agonizing and terrifying and heartbreaking all in one. Would our reunification happen when the war ended? Would it be before then? How far away was the end of the war? What would happen if the Order didn't win?

There were too many questions and not enough answers. Not enough answers, not enough minutes with her, not enough smiles or kisses or 'I love you's' or anything. Nothing was ever enough. No amount of time with her would be enough unless it was forever. 

And right now, we didn't have forever. We didn't even get a proper goodbye. If it was a proper goodbye, we would have had more notice. I would have been able to tell her just how much I loved her. I would have been able to be a good man instead of the monster I had to become just to get her to leave me. 

Nightmares had greeted me every single night since she left the Room of Requirement. They varied with the specifics, but the generic theme was always the same. Something happening and me finding out about her death via Potterwatch. Another torture session with the Carrows, only I had to watch the whole thing, chained to the wall like I had been that one day. Going home to the Manor and finding her chained up in my basement, knowing that Greyback had gotten to her. A battle ending the war where I would have to watch as she would be tied up and carried around like a prisoner because the Dark Lord won. Or, a battle ending the war where, even though the Dark Lord lost, it wouldn't matter, because I'd watch her die, sometimes at the hand of Father's wand.

I hadn't exactly fared well, given all of it. My friends would try to get me to talk, to express my anguish or just tell them what they could do to help me, but there was nothing they could do. The only thing that would make me feel better was if they could tell me when I would see her again or help me see her as soon as possible, which they couldn't. 

So, every day was just going through the motions. Wake up, go to breakfast with Theo and Blaise, Pansy and Astoria joining us down there. Pansy thought it would be good for me to be around more people, which was why she invited Astoria to spend more time with us. I didn't appreciate it; I appreciated the thought, but Astoria was obnoxious. Sweet, but obnoxious. After breakfast, we'd return to the common room and do random things. One day we smoked, another we read, another we practised defensive spells because there was nothing else to do. We'd sometimes go to lunch afterwards, sometimes not. Dinner was the same. And then we'd drink. Get high. Go to bed. Wake up from a nightmare. Ice my mark. Cry myself back to sleep.

Routines were always comforting. I just wished I could do this routine with her. It would have been so much better that way. Everything would be that much better if she was here.

Of course, my routine would be changing today. Just when I started to get comfortable, as always. Right as I began to get comfortable around my witch's friends, she had to leave. Earlier in the year, right as I began to get comfortable with living with her in the Room, the general idea behind the arrangement, living with her, being one that I had thought about forever, the Carrows fucking tortured her. Everything always had to change right as I got comfortable.